workout !

                vs      

because im sick of failing myself. ive been working out really hard and i think ive pushed myself out of comfort zone and i did see results but ive invested alot of time and effort and these results are not good enough !!! im just sick of feeling like crap !! im sick of not being able to fit into the clothes i want .. im sick of not being strong enough to do the things ive always wanted to do !!!

i gotta say, i had some obstacles and they are my knees injuries and my lower back pain chronic strain and these kinda made me not push it 100% when it came to lower body workouts but i just had it !!!

for the past couple of days, I've been thinking of starting p90x and actually STICKING TO IT till the end and today as i was giving it one last google search to see how much damage am i anticipating for my knees, i came across a thread that compared chalean extreme to p90x and it seems like its the girls p90x .. sadly, the results are not as good as p90x but i thought it could be a better option to start extreme intense workout .. chalean is fun and she does an amazing job in turbo abs but i kinda tried other videos and thought it was confusing .. but right now, i need to be firm with myself .. i need to choose one thing and actually STICK TO IT to the end whether it hurted me or injured me lol ...

and what i kinda liked about chalean extreme that its a 5 day work out and its around 30-45min max unlike p90x which is 6 day work out, each session 1-1.5hrs .. so chalean can be my main workout and i can add on it any other workout if i had the time/energy .. i can do tae bo, jogging on elliptical or even yoga/pilates ...

it sounds like a reasonable start and im less intimidated by her .. both are 90 days, i gotta make sure that its something do-able, likeable and manageable in terms of equipment and time or i wont be able to stick to it ...

so i took measurements, weight and before-workout pictures and guess will find out if its a good workout or not by 28/5/2013 and if i wasnt happy with the results, i can move on to p90x and do 3months of that and hopefully by 28/8/2013 ill get to have my bikini body and it will still be summer :P

actually, my aim is not bikini body at all .. my aim is to be lean , light and strong enough to do this:

believe it or not! im working out for this ... shedding this fat is the beginning of my yoga involvement . i want to be light enough to do all these crazy flexible yoga poses and im sure it will be so difficult wuth all that heavy fat dangling around .

i mean, i look at those amazing transformation pictures .. people who are WAAAAAY fatter than me, waaay older .. and probably have a busier life ... if they could that , why cant i ???

look at her .. her old body seems like mine .. disgusting .. and look at her now ... ID NEVER DREAMT THAT I COULD EVER HAVE SIX PACKS !! i thought its impossible !! she looks so freakin hot now !!!

wa3lia !! this one got it worse !!! 274 lbs !!! to this very lean body !!!  should be ashamed of myself wallah

they all started waaay fatter than me and now they look STUNNING !!!!

now she's my favourite ! i got her picture on my fridge .. she has the body that i want .. absolutely perfect .. not too muscular and not too curvy !! i got my eyes on her body and if she could do it .. hell i could !!!!

i hope i wont stop or end up having to stop due to my knee injury !!! i really want this weight loss/fitness journey to end .. it hs been 10 yrs .. ive wasted my life away ...

Need

Ive never felt bl mathala like today. I feel like my life is about to turn around because of today.

So i got my passport back and i needed to cross the borders to renew my work permit! The closest would be buffalo so i thought id go there for a day n do some shopping n come back or just cross out n in! Its 1.5hr drive by car and 2.5hr drive by bus and i get car sick in buses so i talked to a couple of friends who own cars if theyd take me.. N it didnt work out, alot had plans then i talked to the ones who dont own cars if they wanted to tag along n they also said no THEN i re-contacted some again and told them that i " need " them to come along and id appreciate their company and i got a NO again.
I ended up spending my morning in bed crying, yes i am a crybaby and yes i have difficulties taking no as an answer, yes that made me more home sick and wished my family around but what hit me the most is the mathala..
The word " need " is big to me.. If some one said that they NEED something, it means its serious. I never use it unless i REALLY MEAN IT.. N the fact that ive said it to a couple of ppl yet they refused to help, hurted me alot! N ive felt so bad that i " needed " somethinh from them. I was angry, sad, disappointed, ashamed and lonely!!!
N ive decided to get my full driving license n drive myself to wherever i want! Im not asking ppl for favors anymore!
I think ill just hang out with myself n be self sufficient rather than aq6 wayhi 3ala nas or ask them to join me!! That feeling, god! That feeling of mthala and weakness! I dont want to experience that again.

I kinda know now who to turn to n that is nobody!

3rd

Maybe the hardest part is that with my first, i had hope that they will be back so i was not so scared, with my second, i really didnt want them back but with you, im scared the most because i know you wont be back.

to suffer

i went out with friends and we were talking about movies, documentries and some music and then i realized that ive labelled half of them as '' disturbing '' .. and i meant it .. i found them pretty disturbing and made me uncomfortable ..
and ive been thinking about it on my way home .. i was never like that .. yes i can find movies/music, touching, sad , energizing but never disturbing .. and when i say disturbing, i mean my stomach starts to turn, my breathing gets a bit heavier and i just feel upset watching it .. i realized people with PTSD ( post traumatic stress disorder ) feel that way when they are exposed to triggers that remind them of their trauma .. and the only connection i could make between these medias and trauma is their connection to suffering ..
i seem to have traumatized by '' suffering '' .. to suffer, is very dreadful to me right now and i mean all kind of suffering, whether its health wise or stress or even mentally .. im trying to figure out what happened and i guess it all started when i had my first panic attack .. the last time i felt normal, the last time i felt like myself was 19/9/2012 . On 20/9/2012, my whole life changed with my first panic attack .. panic attacks are NOT painful .. true, they might cause stomach upset but thats not '' painful '', i guess my suffering came from my helplessness and the helplessness that percieved from my friends and family. knowing taht no one could help, no one could make that panic go away, knowing that i might end up suffering on m own for the rest of my life has really traumatized me ..
now anything related to suffering .. whether songs, images, movies or even the patients i meet everyday make my stomach turn abit and i start feeling nausous ..
el7amdallah, ive kinda controlled my panic attacks without any medications and ive made peace with them, so why do i continue to have this '' suffering '' phobia ?

i also noticed something .. i feel for others, perhaps too deeply, im getting the sense that im TOO SYMPATHETIC .. a big big mistake.. its the biggest mistake any dr/psychiatrist could ever do .. we are taught to be more empathetic  and less sympathetic :
 ( Empathy is understanding the feelings and point of view of another person.
Sympathy is taking on the feelings of another person and taking pity on them.
Empathy is being a shoulder to cry on when your best friend is having a crisis.
Sympathy is crying with your friend when she has a crisis.
Empathy is strong, you maintain your composure and put yourself in a better position to help.
Sympathy is warmer, you take on some of the burden emotionally and lose your composure.)

its good to know how others feel but its bad to take on some of these feelings and i guess thats where i fell .. the fact that knowing others are suffering makes me sick is because im too sympathetic and that makes us two now suffering . what a person needs to do is to be empathetic and feel the other's pain without takin some on and with that, they get the drive to help them . but how can you change the way you are ?
ive always loved that quality in me, my ability to connect to others but i guess just like my old habits of perfectionism, its time to let it go or atleast control it a bit.
i have signed up for a life long duty to help those who suffer. i'll be exposed to all kind of suffering everyday.. if i dont control this, ill end up as a patient myself :s

stubborn fat

So i could confidently say that since ive known about my bro's coming wedding, i have been taken my diet/work out more seriously, so since mid december, ive been watching what i eat and ive been trying to workout atleast 5 days a week .. like, i really DID make huge changes to what i eat .. i used to dine out once a week with friends but ive cut it down to maybe once or twice a month. Ive been eating '' clean '', been forcing myself to have salmon instead of chicken or beef, ive been eating more veggie, i got rid of milk and now im on almond milk .. im not following all the time but id say atleast 75'% of the time .. and according to my heart monitor, ive been burning atleast 400 calories a day .. and guess what? my scale hasn't budged and i think ive only lost an INCH in my hip ! do you know how frustrating this is !! i stopped studying , i wake up everyday at 5.30 just to work out, im investing all of my free time in working out and i havent seen any satisfactory results yet ! the wedding is approaching too quickly and this is making me anxious.
some people suggested that i should lift a heavier weights .. well the ones i use at 4 pounds ( 2kgs ) , they are not much i know but again, i got this shoulder/elbow issue where they get LOCKED .. i tried heavier weights and then my shoulder/elbows got locked and it hurted like hell .. so i decided to go back to 2kg dumbells and resistene bands ..
most of my workout is DVD workout and alot of it is HIIT-like workout so i guess its not the wieght that matter as muh as the frequency ??
maybe i should throw in once a week a plain weight lifting session .. not really wieght lifting but more like biceps,triceps focused wieght workout ?? i kinda like my dvds coz it combines both cardio and resistence ..

and maybe i should really eat less .. i eat around 1600-1800 calories a day because i burnt a minimum of 400 calories a day and i thought if i do the 1200 calories diet and burn 400, then id be putting myself in starvation mode .. i really dont wanna start calculating calories, i just want to eat healthy meals with healthy snacks and thats it but maybe i should try calculating calories this month and making sure i don't have more than 1300 calories a day and see how that works .. i really dont want to lose aot of fat coz it makes me look old :S .. i just wanna tone but i do have this fat built up in several areas .. how would i get rid of that if i dont diet u know ..

ill change my technique this month and see how it goes

Sleep Attacks

I love having those sleep attacks .. its when you lay your head on the pillow and you could LITERALLY feel sleepiness creeping up on you, seeping through your feet all the way to your eyes .. your body starts to relax and in any position, you feel your muscles stretching out. your eyes get heavy and you can feel yourself drifting out of your consciousness .. I love this feeling ... slipping into lala land. sometimes i tease myself by resisting my eyes and keeping them open so i can feel myself slip again into a sleep coma. Its the same good feeling you get when you wake up early morning to realise that you still have 1 or 2 more hours of sleep before your alarm goes off ..

I love sleep attacks .. i am having one right now and god, i cant wait to hit the sack and watch myself drift off ...

Mindful : Cussing

I was in a standup comedy yesterday and though it was hilarious and i laughed my tears were running and my tummy was hurting me but i noticed something, alot of people cuss and swear and they think thats funny .. also i noticed alot of teenagers and even adults here in canada ( physicians ) who swear a lot and they think it makes them cool.. so you are telling me a story about your visit to the mall, u werent pissed off at anything, why would you throw in some fs every now and then !
 '' yeah that was the shit '' .. seriously ? thats how you describe a good cool thing ? the shit ? how could that make any sense ?

hey i am no mama theresea here okay ? I cuss too, i use the F word when i am REALLY angry and i use shxt instead of '' !!! '' alot . i never realised that until dad called me the other day and he told me that reema ( my baby sis, well not so baby anymore ) has picked it up from me and now she says shxt all the time ! that really made me feel bad ..

i am trying to be mindful about the words i use ad stuff, its a big part of the canadian culture here .. you cant ask any question unless you have a good reason to do so so i am getting better and better at being mindful when i talk to people and i think its about time to be mindful about my own words too ..

i think cussing and swearing doesnt make you feel good and degrading in a way. i know that i use the F word intentionally to show the person infront of me that i am seriously angry since i dont cuss a lot but i guess there are other ways to deliver the same msg without degrading myself ..

this is going to be quite challenging esp with the Shxt coz it comes out as part of my reaction, its a habit and a reflex so .. wont be so easy

My Escape

For years now, Ive been wanting to run away so bad. wanted to go on a retreat . to find myself once again. ive wanted to connect every connection i had with the world and with myself and disappear somewhere. i wanted to change. there were so many things about me that i hated and wanted to change . i guess part of me wanted to surprise and impress people hence disappearing instead of changing infront of them .

anyhow, i think ive hit rock bottom and i know i did for sometime now but the fact that im still there is frightening me. do you know how it feels to have no control over your feelings and reactions? to hear yourself say all these nasty stuff and all you could think of is biting your tongue so hard, or to see yourself turning into something you just cant stand.. it is quite scary i tell you .. to realise that you are losing yourself .. you are losing everything you worked for .. 
i am pretty proud of who i am .. i have no problem bragging about myself .. call me a snob or call me kuwaiti, i dont care. ive been through a lot and i earned it .. i earned the right to walk proud, i earned the right to think highly of myself . i worked really hard to be who i am and where i am today. ive invested everything in me and the thought of losing that scares the hell out of me ..  it took me 27 years to be what i am today and i cant lose it now. 
ive been having this battle instead, between what i am and what i want to do and what i should be and what i should be doing. it sucks okay. it really sucks .. 

anyway the point here is that, ive decided to go on that retreat .. i am somehow in that retreat already. i am away from everyone i know .. i am isolated .. now i have to fight my battles without dragging people in ..
now that anyone actually reads my blog but i apologise in advance if i was found to be distant . 
i am going on a retreat and i will find myself once again, if not, then ill create a better version of me.
id rather be dead than live my life being the person i am today.





 

Cheerios

Is my comfort food. I eat it when i'm sad or mad or even when I am extremely happy.
There's something about its blank taste ..  i feel as if it teases my tastebuds and gets my brain cells excited. yep, i am all up the tease :P

Emergency Rotation

So finally, i am at my ER rotation. ive always dreaded this rotation but in the same time, needed to try it out ASAP because a huge life decision will be made based on this rotation.
ive always struggled between choosing medicine or psychiatry and one of the things i really loved about medicine was emergency and the fact that you get to really be the hero and save lives literally !
but the shifts system is a killer .. knowing that all days are the same and u get no weekend or whatsoever coz you only work 15 days out of 30 days but its spread all over and all these shifts that screw your system ...
so the average is 4 days a week which is not bad i guess but the working hours can be painful, atleast to me .. so here in my hospital, shifts are
7 am - 4pm:  i only have one of these thank god!! i cant imagine working at 7 am ! my brain would still be sleeping for heaven's sake
10 am - 7 pm: this is an OKAY shift .. so u get to sleep a lil and u get to go home early before the ER goes insane, its not so bad
2pm- 11pm: *pukes * i totally hate this shift ! like REALLY hate it. i got 5 shifts like that !! wai3 .. ur day is completely wasted .. no u dont get to sleep as much as u want coz u need to finish everything needs to be done before u go to work so i still need to get up early, workout and study .. i just hate it ..
5 pm - 1 am : beside the fact that ill be walking home late at night, i really think this is the best shift !! u sleep as much as u want, u study, u have fun, u relax then u go to work and come back and sleep .. 7asafa, i dont have many of it
11pm - 9 am: this is the shxt , lol excuse my language .. not because its overnight no, its because ull be the only doctor in the emergency department lol and past midnight is when all the weirdos arrive.. esp on weekends .. lol .. it gets FULL-MOON-MADNESS

beside the constant change in shifts, canadian emergencies are quite impressive .. the emergency doctor who is a medical/family doctor get to see medical cases, get to do minor surgical procedures like sutures and casts, gets to do some opthalmic eye examination and use those complex scopes , gets to play the ENT doctor, they are able to use ULTRASOUND . like today,  my attending was like, GO PUT A CAST ON THAT GUY ... i had a huge question mark ON MY FACE .. and then i told him ive never done that before, he was like okay, go examine that's guy eyes and i was like okay, so i got him in a room and brought the opthalmoscope and guess what?  I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO TURN IT ON !! 7aseet my doctor was going to yedfni lol ..

i feel bad, i really feel bad ... but im not THAT bad tara.. i had a 100kg obese lady who kept farting the whole time while i was interviewing her .. awal mara, qelt 7ram, '3azat o ba6nha ye3wrha and she didnt say anything so i was like wa3lia esta7at .. 5min later, she farted again .. and  was like NOW SHE WILL APOLOGISE but she didnt, she kept playing ma3zofteha .. wa k2na el3aid .. it was hilarious and i wanted to crack up and laugh but i couldn't .. but then it stopped being funny when it started to stink lol and i couldnt leave the room .. omg it was bad ... it was really bad ... but i did manage to stay professional by not laughing lol or crying out of pain

yeah, i really need to get over my graduation year trauma .. i have been severely traumatised by my final medical school year that i stopped taking my job seriously, im still stuck in that belief that im still a student .. i dont even study anymore. studying makes me extremely anxious .. this is bad .. im coming off as a slacker, an idiot or some one who is not taking her job seriously ..
i can still feel it, the fear of failure that i had during that year , the hate i hate towards my seniors and i just got repulsed by anything that has to do with medicine. if it wasnt for my 7th year bad experience, id have still been a medical doctor. i chose psychiatry coz i was that traumatised by medicine ..
i really need to get over this .. this is extremely bad .. its not because of the bad impression that im showing others, no, its because this is not me . ive always been passionate about learning.. ive always loved finding answers to my questions.. this slacker is not me .. this slacker wont make a difference in this world .. this slacker wont win a noble prize ..

so part of my wake up call is to find that knowledgeable scholar in me and bring her back. its time to learn. ive worked so hard to be a doctor, its time to BE ONE.