For years now, Ive been wanting to run away so bad. wanted to go on a retreat . to find myself once again. ive wanted to connect every connection i had with the world and with myself and disappear somewhere. i wanted to change. there were so many things about me that i hated and wanted to change . i guess part of me wanted to surprise and impress people hence disappearing instead of changing infront of them .
anyhow, i think ive hit rock bottom and i know i did for sometime now but the fact that im still there is frightening me. do you know how it feels to have no control over your feelings and reactions? to hear yourself say all these nasty stuff and all you could think of is biting your tongue so hard, or to see yourself turning into something you just cant stand.. it is quite scary i tell you .. to realise that you are losing yourself .. you are losing everything you worked for ..
i am pretty proud of who i am .. i have no problem bragging about myself .. call me a snob or call me kuwaiti, i dont care. ive been through a lot and i earned it .. i earned the right to walk proud, i earned the right to think highly of myself . i worked really hard to be who i am and where i am today. ive invested everything in me and the thought of losing that scares the hell out of me .. it took me 27 years to be what i am today and i cant lose it now.
ive been having this battle instead, between what i am and what i want to do and what i should be and what i should be doing. it sucks okay. it really sucks ..
anyway the point here is that, ive decided to go on that retreat .. i am somehow in that retreat already. i am away from everyone i know .. i am isolated .. now i have to fight my battles without dragging people in ..
now that anyone actually reads my blog but i apologise in advance if i was found to be distant .
i am going on a retreat and i will find myself once again, if not, then ill create a better version of me.
id rather be dead than live my life being the person i am today.
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