to suffer

i went out with friends and we were talking about movies, documentries and some music and then i realized that ive labelled half of them as '' disturbing '' .. and i meant it .. i found them pretty disturbing and made me uncomfortable ..
and ive been thinking about it on my way home .. i was never like that .. yes i can find movies/music, touching, sad , energizing but never disturbing .. and when i say disturbing, i mean my stomach starts to turn, my breathing gets a bit heavier and i just feel upset watching it .. i realized people with PTSD ( post traumatic stress disorder ) feel that way when they are exposed to triggers that remind them of their trauma .. and the only connection i could make between these medias and trauma is their connection to suffering ..
i seem to have traumatized by '' suffering '' .. to suffer, is very dreadful to me right now and i mean all kind of suffering, whether its health wise or stress or even mentally .. im trying to figure out what happened and i guess it all started when i had my first panic attack .. the last time i felt normal, the last time i felt like myself was 19/9/2012 . On 20/9/2012, my whole life changed with my first panic attack .. panic attacks are NOT painful .. true, they might cause stomach upset but thats not '' painful '', i guess my suffering came from my helplessness and the helplessness that percieved from my friends and family. knowing taht no one could help, no one could make that panic go away, knowing that i might end up suffering on m own for the rest of my life has really traumatized me ..
now anything related to suffering .. whether songs, images, movies or even the patients i meet everyday make my stomach turn abit and i start feeling nausous ..
el7amdallah, ive kinda controlled my panic attacks without any medications and ive made peace with them, so why do i continue to have this '' suffering '' phobia ?

i also noticed something .. i feel for others, perhaps too deeply, im getting the sense that im TOO SYMPATHETIC .. a big big mistake.. its the biggest mistake any dr/psychiatrist could ever do .. we are taught to be more empathetic  and less sympathetic :
 ( Empathy is understanding the feelings and point of view of another person.
Sympathy is taking on the feelings of another person and taking pity on them.
Empathy is being a shoulder to cry on when your best friend is having a crisis.
Sympathy is crying with your friend when she has a crisis.
Empathy is strong, you maintain your composure and put yourself in a better position to help.
Sympathy is warmer, you take on some of the burden emotionally and lose your composure.)

its good to know how others feel but its bad to take on some of these feelings and i guess thats where i fell .. the fact that knowing others are suffering makes me sick is because im too sympathetic and that makes us two now suffering . what a person needs to do is to be empathetic and feel the other's pain without takin some on and with that, they get the drive to help them . but how can you change the way you are ?
ive always loved that quality in me, my ability to connect to others but i guess just like my old habits of perfectionism, its time to let it go or atleast control it a bit.
i have signed up for a life long duty to help those who suffer. i'll be exposed to all kind of suffering everyday.. if i dont control this, ill end up as a patient myself :s