Emergency Rotation

So finally, i am at my ER rotation. ive always dreaded this rotation but in the same time, needed to try it out ASAP because a huge life decision will be made based on this rotation.
ive always struggled between choosing medicine or psychiatry and one of the things i really loved about medicine was emergency and the fact that you get to really be the hero and save lives literally !
but the shifts system is a killer .. knowing that all days are the same and u get no weekend or whatsoever coz you only work 15 days out of 30 days but its spread all over and all these shifts that screw your system ...
so the average is 4 days a week which is not bad i guess but the working hours can be painful, atleast to me .. so here in my hospital, shifts are
7 am - 4pm:  i only have one of these thank god!! i cant imagine working at 7 am ! my brain would still be sleeping for heaven's sake
10 am - 7 pm: this is an OKAY shift .. so u get to sleep a lil and u get to go home early before the ER goes insane, its not so bad
2pm- 11pm: *pukes * i totally hate this shift ! like REALLY hate it. i got 5 shifts like that !! wai3 .. ur day is completely wasted .. no u dont get to sleep as much as u want coz u need to finish everything needs to be done before u go to work so i still need to get up early, workout and study .. i just hate it ..
5 pm - 1 am : beside the fact that ill be walking home late at night, i really think this is the best shift !! u sleep as much as u want, u study, u have fun, u relax then u go to work and come back and sleep .. 7asafa, i dont have many of it
11pm - 9 am: this is the shxt , lol excuse my language .. not because its overnight no, its because ull be the only doctor in the emergency department lol and past midnight is when all the weirdos arrive.. esp on weekends .. lol .. it gets FULL-MOON-MADNESS

beside the constant change in shifts, canadian emergencies are quite impressive .. the emergency doctor who is a medical/family doctor get to see medical cases, get to do minor surgical procedures like sutures and casts, gets to do some opthalmic eye examination and use those complex scopes , gets to play the ENT doctor, they are able to use ULTRASOUND . like today,  my attending was like, GO PUT A CAST ON THAT GUY ... i had a huge question mark ON MY FACE .. and then i told him ive never done that before, he was like okay, go examine that's guy eyes and i was like okay, so i got him in a room and brought the opthalmoscope and guess what?  I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO TURN IT ON !! 7aseet my doctor was going to yedfni lol ..

i feel bad, i really feel bad ... but im not THAT bad tara.. i had a 100kg obese lady who kept farting the whole time while i was interviewing her .. awal mara, qelt 7ram, '3azat o ba6nha ye3wrha and she didnt say anything so i was like wa3lia esta7at .. 5min later, she farted again .. and  was like NOW SHE WILL APOLOGISE but she didnt, she kept playing ma3zofteha .. wa k2na el3aid .. it was hilarious and i wanted to crack up and laugh but i couldn't .. but then it stopped being funny when it started to stink lol and i couldnt leave the room .. omg it was bad ... it was really bad ... but i did manage to stay professional by not laughing lol or crying out of pain

yeah, i really need to get over my graduation year trauma .. i have been severely traumatised by my final medical school year that i stopped taking my job seriously, im still stuck in that belief that im still a student .. i dont even study anymore. studying makes me extremely anxious .. this is bad .. im coming off as a slacker, an idiot or some one who is not taking her job seriously ..
i can still feel it, the fear of failure that i had during that year , the hate i hate towards my seniors and i just got repulsed by anything that has to do with medicine. if it wasnt for my 7th year bad experience, id have still been a medical doctor. i chose psychiatry coz i was that traumatised by medicine ..
i really need to get over this .. this is extremely bad .. its not because of the bad impression that im showing others, no, its because this is not me . ive always been passionate about learning.. ive always loved finding answers to my questions.. this slacker is not me .. this slacker wont make a difference in this world .. this slacker wont win a noble prize ..

so part of my wake up call is to find that knowledgeable scholar in me and bring her back. its time to learn. ive worked so hard to be a doctor, its time to BE ONE.