my first on call

so here i am, sitting alone in this tiny on call and wondering what the hell am i gonna do ? ive been aconfused and overwhelmed lately .. i mean the system here is so different and im spending most of my effort figuring out the system instead of focusing on the clinical work. but i cant complain because my medical PEAP which i was dreading so bad ended up being not so bad after all.. i mean, i do feel rusty and out of medical shape if you know what i mean but im based on a laid back hospital, not like the old hospital where things were SUPER BUSY AND SUPER HECTIC @@ this one is actually more peaceful and people here are friendlier although its a jewish hospital and i thought people will hate me for wearing the veil. my unit isnt bad too, my senior is like a SUPER BIG SHOT @@ he's known world wide, he;s funny too and the rest of the people here are nice, kinda 6too busy for me but atleast im not intimidated by them. but ive been under stress lately and if you want me to be honest, id say ive created that stress myself . i mean, i still expect alot from myself and i still expect alot from others. i try to beat sense into me every once in a while about my unrealistic self expectation but i cant seem to break the habit of expecting stuff from others . i know that i would do those things to them so why is it so hard to do them for me .. but then, there is this part where you cant force people to do anything and more importantly, you cant force them to like you ... yeah so.. i think im going to fly solo from now on... i just wanna do things on my own , no expectation from others whether empathy, encouragement or anything .. it really drains me out when i feel invisible by others and i cant afford getting all depressed because of that . even my family dont call/ask about me and it hurts so bad .. i dont know .. im not really happy with the way my brain works, it seems to be very hostile against its own self and others . i dont like my attitude .. but then this is one of the reasons i came here .. beside my residency, i wanted time off to work on me , tackle those things that i hated about myself and find peace. maybe i should work on them .. yeah .. and TRY TO BALANCE. so yeah im gonna lay low for a while .. anyway back to real life events here lol .. so yeah its my 2nd day on my medical rotation and im on call. this is the first time i ever have a 24hr on call but it seems like ive been slowing the team down so i think they wont be dragging me out of the call room which means sleeping for me yaaay .. im exhausted .. bso its good news to have a good sleep but on the same time, I WANNA LEARN@@ I mean now im just a PEAP student, being treated as a medical student so im not responsible or anything but once i start my residency on JULY, i will be extremely responsible as in ill be doing CPR, giving electric shocks to save pts lives so its not a joke so might as well learn the system while i can ... so much to do, so much to read, so much to know and little time i actually have ..