West coast adventure: seattle

So my west coast adventure has officially started! Gotta be honest, it started in a VERY bad way! 

On friday, i went to the airport and everything was perfect and stuff and 10min before boarding, i decided to go to the toilet one more time! So i go in and did my thing and right before i flush the toilet, i notice this blue thing INSIDE THE TOILET!!!!  It was my freaking PASSPORT!!!!! It was in the back pocket of my pants and it must have fallen when i pulled down my pants!!!! Omg!!! I almost flushed my passport 10min before boarding!!!!!! 

So i put my hand inside and pull it out, all covered with urine *cries* i was hyperventilating all freaked out AND DISGUSTED!!! Since it was all wet already, i decided to wash it with water coz i cant be walkin around with a smelly passport!! So i wash it and then it hit me!!!! N it hit me really hard!!! This terminal didnt have any of these air hand dryer coz thats what i was counting on when i decided to wash it!!!! *GULPS*

So i run around like a headless chicken lookin for customers services to get some help!! N they do confirm that there is no air dryer in the whole terminal *heart attack*

At that moment, i really felt like crying!! I was really looking forward for that vacation n now my passport n boarding pass all got ruined!!!

So i went to the gate hoping that they would let me through n god i was lucky enough that they did :) they reprinted my boarding pass n let me get on that flight :) n my passport got dry after 5hrs on that plane so it wasnt an issue when i reached the states and i ironed the pages n now its all brand new lol

My work permit got really wet and torn so i hope it wont be an issue when i return to canada :(

Seattle, Oh seattle!

Seattle is known for coffee and guess what? Their coffee is so damn good!!! Just when i decided that ill be drinking no more coffee, i got hooked again!! But u know what! Its worth ruining my resolution!! I tried the top 2 coffee houses in seattle

Vivace has white velvet coffee which was orgasmic so definitely coffee is a must in seattle. Ohh and speaking of coffee, did you know that the first starbucks ever on the planet started in seattle!! Its located in the market and the que was ridiculously too long!!! the other addiction was FOOD!! It had all these bakeries and really special food store that i couldnt resist trying!! From chocolate factories to piroshkies and frozen custard!!! My god, i think ive put on all the weight that ive lost the past 3 months!! I ate untill sickness lol!!! Gourmet food tours are common attraction in seattle too!!!

I spent 2 days exploring downtown seattle! In winter, its rainy most of the time but their rain is soo cute!! Its like light showers!!!! The city is big, clean and surprisingly very environmental friendly! Their taxis are hybrids and most of the receipts  are emailed rather than printed!  Maybe coz they are trying to compensate for how industrial the city is ??

I noticed that there were alot of native americans in seattle and sadly lots of homeless! Some part of the city can be a bit scary at night!!

We walked around! Pike public market is a big attraction in seattle and was my fav one too! It was the biggest farmers market that ive ever been too!! Pretty amazing but really crowded!! Then we went to capitol hill aka the gay village . Its a very funky place with lots of pot  bars! Yep weed os legal in WA !*theworldiscomingtoanend*

And if you ever decided to visit that place, DONT WALK TO IT!! It was called capitol HILL for a reason!! It is located on a hill and walking up the hill is REALLY BRUTAL!!!!!!

International district/ china town was an interesting section too! This was the smallest and quietest china town that ive ever seen lol! Its SOOO BIZARRE!!! But it had a HUGE JAPANESE GROCERY STORE with lots of pocky and peppero flavors!! B HELLO PANDAS ❤️❤️❤️❤️ TOO bad, the only kitkat flavor they had was green tea :(

People in seattle are REALLY friendly!!! They smile at you, offer you help and definitely would start conversations with you if you were waiting in line! I really loved em! *malat3alaeltorontonian*

Hmmm i just realized something! Comparing to toronto, seattle has lots of white ppl as in real americans and not immigrants like in toronto, maybe thats why they were really friendly ??

Even at the airport, ppl were SUPER SWEET!! Lots of the officers that i dealt with there , were ppl who served in kuwait and it felt so good to hear that they enjoyed their time and all in kuwait :)

Okaaaay! Review time!!

Sea-tac airport: small yet very sufficient airport!! Had lots of good dinning options n good gift stores, free wifi and live music entertainment! U cant get that bored there

Seattle city:

City itself is clean and very environment friendly. Attraction wise; its not new york but its definitely nice to chillax there! Washington state is known as the ever green state so in the summer, it is really green and beautiful so definitely im coming back for a week full of hiking n camping!!

Mount rainneer looked majestic n beautiful n i had my eye on its peak so definitely its the best state for outdoors activities

People:

Extremely friendly, helpful and sweet!! Its not as multicultural as toronto or NY! I guess the majority here were americans or native americans

Prices: 

CHEAP COMPARING TO TORONTO!!!! their tax is 9.5% kelish mo shewaya but i havnt done any shopping sp i cant judge but definitely food and public transport system were alot cheaper than canada

Musts:

1.Pike public market if ur a fan of farmer markets! It has everythinh starting from fruits, veggie, fresh bread n cheese, crafts and souvenirs 

2. Coffee!!! The best fresh roasted coffee ull ever drink! If ur a starbucks loyal fan, then get ur coffee from the first starbucks ever but i gotta warn you, the line is huge!!! Im not a fan so i decided to skip it but i was lucky enough to try their coffee on board of alaska airline lol

3. Food tours!! Dont forget to try piroshky piroshky!! Oh seattle is famous for sea food if ur a big fan!!

4. Japanese district if ur into japanese culturs

5. OUTDOORS!!!! Mount rainneer!!!

I am writing this on my flight to my next state, the state of sunshine California. 

I could need some sunshine n less clothing now lol! Im excited!

LA, dont disappoint me now..

Toilets

I never understood how these toilet covers are helpful??? I dont know if its me not knowing how to use em properly or if it they are indeed useless but everytime i use em, i create a mess lol!

Its either i end up splashing urine all over it or it gets stuck to my skin or both, so stuck on me with piss all over lol !!

Seriously, what the hell am i doing wrong here lol !!!

polar bear dip !!

Im a cat when it comes to water. I really really REALLY hate getting wet and i have hard time getting myself to shower lol just kidding!! 

And cold is just something that could make me cry! True, i live in one of the coldest countries in the world but i dont think i can ever get used to ut! There were days when i was tearful because i was stuck in the cold weather! Id rather be stabbed, kicked or ran over by a car rather than having to endure cold atmosphere!!  

So if we combine water and cold weather = SUICIDE!! 

since ive been feeling really depressed lAtely, guess i am a bit suicidal at the moment so ive decided to go ahead and do the polar bear dip

I was kidding about being suicidal but not about doing it !! I am determined to do it !!
it is crazy, it is frightening , it IS EXCITING !!!! my new motto for the new year is '' BE DARING ''. i am determined to do everything that i am scared of. plus i think this could be a good training for me for the tough mudder since it involves jumping into an icy pool lol

my only problem is that i have not found some one who is crazy enough to join me lol .. plus i need a SPOTTER lol, i need some one to make sure that ill come back alive lol .. lets see if i can find any crazy/brave enough to join me lol :P

happy new year suckers ;P

the west coast

the count down to the west coast adventure has started ! god i can't wait to get away from the cold weather here !! i need my sunshine!! i need to be kissed by the sunshine and need to feel the sand between my toes .. 

 unfortunately, the cold has shot me down once again.. keelish mo waqta !!! i woke up coughing with sore throat and a body that felt as if it was ran over by a truck !!! i need to recover within 48hrs or my trip will be all wasted *sniff sniff *!! that means ill need to consume all the garlic and ginger in the world lol 

so 3 days at seattle to meet my special one <3 a="" and="" boy="" catching="" div="" do="" exploring="" got="" lot="" of="" oh="" p="" seattle="" spend="" time="" to="" up="" we="" will="">

4 days in LA .. i wish i could've spent more time there .. there is no such to see and do .. but definitely, ill be coming back for more.. i got my eye on that west coast road trip.. maybe sometime in the summer and then ill even get a chance to surf too

4 days in las vegas .. I'm not super excited about it to be honest. I'm not into busy exciting cities like vegas or new york but I'm looking forward to see the Grand Canyon :D 

2 days in san francisco and then unfortunately ill need to go back to work .. sigh ..

its not much but i could need some time off right now plus i really miss my best friend and I'm super excited to see her .. i think we made a big progress and managed to meet once a year in different part of the world lol .. kuwait, oman, dubai and now the states .. next time, it will be canada inshalla lol 

anyway, i need to find a magic pill that will help me get better by friday :s

california, here i come *cough cough (

SIRI SUCKS!!

Siri is the stupidest app in the whole entire world! I hate her!! "3abia!!!

So since last year, ive bee. Really wanting to go to st jacob's farmer market! Its a unique farmer market about 1.5-2hrs away from toronto located in st jacob which is a small Mennonite/amish community! I love cultures and community abd definitely the amish caught my interest and ive always wanted to go and see how they live and stuff! I almost gone but then the market was burnt down n i had to wait till it was repaired!

Then whoever promised to take me kept canceling on me and i got so fristrated n decided to get myself there! 

So i got a license and a car! 

Anyway so saturday was the big day!! Ive been planning that for a month!! Some friends decided to join me so that got me more excited!

We rented a car and asked 3amaty siri to take us to st jacobs !!!

Bs siri was drunk or something n kept asking us to DRIVE INTO BUILDINGS!! It got us totally lost and we ended up on a different highway and it kept saying go forward when in reality, i knew we are going the opposite way!! 

Anyway after 10min, she was like " calculating " and indicated that we are 10min out of the way lol! Anyway the next sign said 100km to niagara falls so we were like, what the hell!!! We lost alot of time n gas getting lost so we were like lets go to Niagara then! Theyve never been there so it was a very exciting experience for them!

We spent an exciting cold day at niagara falls! It was fun until we came back. Coz miss siri decided to drive me crazy again!!!

I was supposed to return the car by 11pm. I was in downtown by 9:15pm and i parked the car at 11:05!! I spent almost 2hrs driving around the SAME BLOCK!!!! siri was giving me the wrong direction!! I almost parked the car on the side and cried!!! I was getting very frustrated and angry!!!

I was drained by the end of the day coz of these useless drives around the city!!!

ANYWAY, the point here is, SIRI SUCKS and i bought myself a GPS for xmas lol

documentary: we were children

we were children is a documentary made recently and discussed residential schools in canada. there is a very ugly part of canadian history and that is residential schools and the way they treated aboriginal people. when the white people came to canada, they took over the land and killed lots of aboriginal people. aboriginal, red indians, native americans or first nations, these are different labels for the true owner of north america. i thought americans were the evil ones but it turned out that canadian history is as dark and as cruel as the american history.

the native americans were called the savages .. they took over their land and they gave them a small piece of land in the middle of no where and those are the '' reserves ''. away from civilisation, away from major source of electricity and water, aboriginal lived a very hard life in those reserves.

these reserves are the ones in brown, most of them located in the cold part of canada were mothet nature is brutal and life is not easy at all. these reserves are so remote that you need a plane and prolly 3-6 hrs drive to go to these places .. and since they are remote and cold, they import most pf their prducts thus its extremely expensive 

this is sold for 4-6 dollars in any canadian city while its sold of almost 13 dollars in these reserves cz its imported !! not only food is expensive, but jobs are not available there .. they live in slums and they got no services .. my program sends residents there for couple of days to offer medical services .. doctors need to fly into these places to help those people .. this is how the natives, the aboriginal people are treated in canada now days .. but their past is even darker and sadder .

their kids had to go to whats called '' residential schools '':

from wikipedia:

The Indian residential schools of Canada were a network of "residential" (boarding) schools for Aboriginal peoples of Canada (First Nations ["Indians"], Metis, and Inuit [formerly "Eskimos"]) funded by the Canadian government's Department of Indian Affairs, and administered by Christian churches, most notably the Catholic Church in Canada and the Anglican Church of Canada. The system had origins in pre-Confederation times, but was primarily active following the passage of the Indian Act in 1876, until the mid-twentieth century. An amendment to the Indian Act in 1884 made attendance at a day, industrial or residential school compulsory for First Nations children and, in some parts of the country, residential schools were the only option.^[1] The number of residential schools reached 80 in 1931 but decreased in the years that followed. The last federally operated residential school was closed in 1996. In total, about 150,000 First Nations children passed through the residential school system.^[2]  consensus emerged in the early twenty-first century that the latter schools did significant harm to Aboriginal children who attended them by removing them from their families, depriving them of their ancestral languages, exposing many of them to physical and sexual abuse at the hands of staff and other students, and later enfranchising them forcibly. This consensus was symbolized by the June 11, 2008 public apology offered, not only by Prime Minister Stephen Harper on behalf of the Government of Canada, but also by the leaders of all the other parties in the Canadian House of Commons

that documentary discussed 2 true stores of survival of residential schools. it showed how they were forced to go to these boarding schools at such young age, they were forced to speak english and forced to convert to christianity. these kids were taken away from their families and alot of them never saw their families until they graduated. the documentary showed how, although these schools were managed by priests and nuns, but alot of these kids were physically and SEXUALLY abused by them. it was such a heart breaking documentary to be watched. 

most of the aboriginal nowdays are homeless, jobless and alot of them are on drugs. i met one aboriginal guy at the emergency room once and he said that he doesnt recall being breastfed but he recalls growing up snorting cocaine.  alot of them are doing drugs as a way of self medicating . most of them were traumatised and they drink or do drugs to forget about their past.  it is a very sad reality .

to have your land being taken away from you, to be punished for speaking your own language and to be forced to believe what others want you to believe and then to be thrown away to face this life with no support .. what kind of a life is that ...

i definitely recommend this documentary so you can see how cruel humans can be.

To belong

What drives you? Passion? Anger? Fear?

Being in one of the world's busiest subway system in a rush hour made me realize something. 

It was around 5pm in one of new york city subways.. It was literally packed and we were on the subway for atleast an hour! So many people jumped in and out! Ppl from different ethnic backgrounds and ages.

What caught my attention was a young black guy, prolly in his mid 20's, wearing a hoodie covering his head, headphones on and had alot of those rubberbands around his wrist, like the live strong ones..

Another guy that got my attention was prolly some one a bit older, wearing a black hoodie, a baseball cap and he had a tattoo all over his body..

Little things that we take for granted when we look at others.. Accessories.. Outfits and even attitudes that ppl adapt in order to be accepted by others.. I think the fear and pain of being alone is one of the biggest drives.

Everyone wants to belong to some one or somewhere.. People do crazy stuff in order to impress others to be accepted. People work their life off in order to make a certain income to belong to a certain social group. People try to live by the rules of the community to avoid being shun. 

People change in order to be accepted by others. We cant deny our need for belonging and our fear of being alone. I bet all of us had to go through amd endure things in order to belong somewhere .

I personally had to rip my own skin off me and became something that ive always feared n resented in order to be accepted. broke every single rule n principle of mine because i was so afraid of being alone. Ive became something that i'm not, only to belong to some one/something/somewhere..

Everyone is afraid of being stranded and lonely..  

What have you given away or endured to avoid being alone n to belong to something?

T.O vs NYC

Toronto vs NYC!

Toronto might not be as exciting as NYC but its definitely MORE DECENT!! Canada feels like the good polite lil boy while NYC felt like the bad ass homeless boy. Lets do a lil comparison here!

Torontonions are known to be very busy and not friendly but comparing to NYC, omg torontion are extremely friendly lol! Ppl in NYC were pushing us around n rarely seen smiling. In Toronto, ppl do smile and greet you and definitely people are waay more helpful. They would offer to help carrying your heavy stuff and would always offer to help you with directions if you seemed lost

Toronto is so clean with recycling trash bins everywhere as the standard trashbin. The subway system is less complicated and definitely bigger subway cars and more colorful. There are designated areas for elderly, pregnant ladies and handicaps and ppl do respect that. The subways in NYC were really really dirty, not handicaps friendly and the subway cars had less seating areas.

Immigrants. Both cities were multicultural thats for sure. You'll be striked by the number of asians in toronto the same way latinos in NYC will strike you. There were lots of indians and african americans in NY while the majority of dark skinned people in toronto are Ethiopian or Somalians. Definitely toronto feels safer! Ppl are well dressed and presenting well. In NYC, you can see misery and evidence of their struggle on ppl's faces! Its so clear that it breaks your heart!  

Islam, while you see a "halal" shawrma/gyros cart at EVERY corner in NYC, ive rarely seen ladies with hijab! Definitely met alot of Egyptians working there but hijab in manhattan was rarely seen unlike in Toronto! 

I dont know, NYC made me feel miserable! It was hard for me not to notice the struggle of new yorkers and ignore the huge difference of standards of living of the tourists vs the locals! Knowing that and knowing how USA doesnt offer as much services as Canada including health coverages made it hard for me to enjoy it!

Also if you are not into shows, shops and dinning then new york is not your thang!

After this experience, im getting the sense that ill prolly feel the same way about Las Vegas...

Lets hope LA wont disappoint me too.

Its funny how now im having more and more appreciation for living in canada.

P.s: i dont dare to say NYC sucks or boring because im sure that 75% of the world disagree with me. Im just saying that its not my thing :)

New york: last days

ISo we spent the last two days shopping! Well my sister decided so! She has a point, people shop in New York since it has alot of outlets. So we went to a mall in New Jersey and my sister shopped till she was broke and came to me asking for money! I dont understand creatures like her :/. If you cant afford it then DONT BUY IT! She insisted that it was such a good deal blah blah blah! 

At night, we headed to see a broadway show and we ended up seeing the LION KING! Well, dont kill me but i was not impressed lol!  Maybe because i knew the story and maybe because i saw different versions of the lion king musical? Dont get me wrong, i got nothing against musicals, i enjoyed the wizard of Oz when it was in TO but i guess i was expecting more of a lion king show and a show being played in broadway .. Or maybe thats just me!

I mean, i get bored easily, mystery excites me n if i knew the story and seen it done similarly, it will kill the mystery if you know what i mean.

Anyway our last day was spent in Central park! We biked it all and it was almost 9km according to the guy n it took us 2hrs! It is such a beautiful park! It had fall colors all over but it was pretty busy *pouts* 

Im really starting to see that toronto tried so hard to imitate NYC lol! Central park feels like high park! The only difference is that in high park, there sre some hiking trails! 

And we ended up spending the rest of the day souvenirs shopping!

At the end while we were dragging our bags to the subway, the door keeper at the hotel told us to be careful on the subway! He said that there are alot of theft and assaults on busy subways in daylight! Ppl dont care whos around n what time and would assault you if you looked like u got money! He said he would rather pay 80$ for a cab than go on a subway because its dangerous lol!

He really got us but then we were running late and it was rush hour and we knew that a cab will be stuck in traffic for hours so we took the risk! 

Omg! NYC subways are the worst if you are carrying luggage!! Escalators / elevators are not available in every station and theres alot of stairs and the subway is so busy and ppl will rush you while you are trying to carry down your heavy bag down a hundred step :/  my sister as usual has overshopped and her bag was oversized and she was struggling to carry it up n down the stairs! I couldnt leave my bag unattended to help carrying hers so we were in such a ma95ara situation lol!!  La walah at that moment, i felt like cryin coz our bags were heavy n there were too many steps in that narrow stairs n ppl were pushing us around since it was rush hour lol! NYC AINT FRIENDLY AT ALL I TELL U!!

New york - day 3

So we decided to see the rest of new york today .. Or so i thought, my sister had another agenda! 

We started by taking the subway all the way to brooklyn to check brooklyn heights n walked across brooklyn bridge! Then we walked around starting with china town, all the wY through little italy to SoHo! 

Chinatown and lil italy felt like the ones we have in toronto only bigger and busier! I had busy places, its hard for you to stop to look around when you know that theres a long que of people behind you and that by stopping, you could be blocking the way.

We stopped at cafe habana and had grilled mexican corn n it was quite an experience! It was covered with cheese, lime and chili ! Definitely worth getting lost in the streets of lil italy lol.

My sister has a different agenda, she stopped at every boutique and bought her stuff n made me carry em in my pack bag! I was angry most of the day because i didnt come here to shop but also coz it was cold n i couldnt hang outside the shop while she shops since it was that cold! I literally wore everything i had: tshirt, warmshirt, hoodie and a jacket n i was still shaking! 

I dont want to sound grumpy but im still not impressed n i can see why, its my sister's company and all that shopping and the fact that its not green n stuff!

I can see how canada surpasses USA. Not only for their health system but canada is waaay more environment- friendly. Ive rarely seen recycling bins in the streets and most of their streets are dirty. 

I cant say americans coz prolly most of the ppl here are tourists but they are not as polite as Canadians! Ppl push you around and dont apologize, no one stops around to help you with directions when you look lost and no one holds the door for you here :/

Ya 7elo el Canadians wallah! Im starting to really appreciate being in canada and im starting to feel grateful for being accepted here rather in the states.

There is so much that you can learn from them :)

New york

The big apple! The center of the world! The bad ass city 

Maybe

But definitely not my cup of tea

NYC felt like Toronto only bigger, dirtier , busier and definitely out of control.

We spent the first day walking aroubd exploring the city.

Times square was soo crowded and walking around was hard! It felt like hajj to me! Didnt likr the idea of being squeezed within the crowds or not being able to browse the stores because of the crowds! Hated the waiting list in every restuarant in times square and definitely my major turn off was the unfriendliness of peopls here N how everyone is rushing around.

I knew from the start that i wont like it but i thought id give it a chance

I can see why alot of people might like it but definitely not my thing

If living in toronto made me depressed then definitely ill commit suicide if i had to move to NYC.

I loved how you dont pay tax if your purchases are below 110 dollars 

Highlights of day 1 :

Times square : overrated

Wholefood's in NYC: GIGANTIC AND IMPRESSIVE. Loved it

Finally!! Tried chobani!!! It is really yummy!! I dont know why they stopped importing it into canada

Trader Joe's: finally been to one. Absolutely loved the variety n the healthy options of its product! I wish we had TJ in Canada!! *thumbs up*

Highlights of day 2:

Walked around the city.

Been to grand central station who felt like union station in TO only bigger

Walked around 5th avenue . so a street full of high end stores n brands! Whata the big deal? 

Macy's: it was my sister"s idea! Just another department store

Junior's cheese cake: a nice cheese cake store with so many variation! Their cheese cake felt as good as the cheese cake factory if u thought cheese cake factor is good.

Although ive been eating clean n made a commitment not to ruin it but i did n so far, i regret it! Nothing wow-ish here lol! Again, maybe coz we have similar dinning experience in to?

Never the less, i did try most of what people recommended but i wasnt impressed lol

I had the street food/ halal kart food! I had falafal n gyros from the halal guys n it was absolutely disgusting!! The sandwich was filled with mayo that it made me wanna puke after a few bites! Maybe because im not a big fan of mayo? But i was disappointed but i dont regret the experience! These karts are as common as starbucks in NYC so we had to try it

However, i did enjoy something! Its the portobello empanadas from nuchas food cart at times square! It was pricey! 3 dollars for a mini empanadas but they were REALLY good!! Loved em!!!

By the 2nd day, i was still not impressed by NYC! Maybe because i live in a busy city too, toronto is bot as busy as NYC but its still busier than alot of cities with skyscrapers and stuff or maybe because ive never been a fan of busy cities and stuff.

me

Hello,

this is where i retire at night. i wrap myself up and shut the world off. its funny how big my bed is, yet im always sleeping on my side .. i think i need to invest more time in this place ..

can you see that little world map next to my bed? this is my dream up there ..

this is my kingdom . i love how sunny this place can be with all the high windows .. sadly winter is coming so less sunshine and probably this place will turn into an ice cube . can you see that paige sofa? this is where i sleep on the weekends. not because its super comfty but also because it reminds me of home for some reason. so everytime im home sick, i end up sleeping there ..

this is where i have my daily battle .. my thoughts seem to get out of control everytime im sitting on this table. my brain cells will do anything but study. atleast i try,and you can see the evidence of my failed attempts.

this is baby K, a very special gift from a special person. this is the beginning of a great adventure and an athletic life.

this is my playground. this is where i spent most of my time if i was home. food and cooking is such a passion for me. curently, im focusing on creating healthy clean food.

this is my view. its a beautiful west view of the city

more like 1 million dollar view, dont u think so :). you can see the CN tower at the back 

i got another view of the valley .. too bad that its a bad picture, you couldve seen the leaf changes there 

this is where i live. such a high fancy tower. too bad, people here are not so friendly. this is my place for now, im planning to move out in may .. yes AGAIN. 

this is my neighbourhood/ fereej .. not the best place ever. i got a shelter next door, a strip club and a marijuina store around the corner . hmmmm

my most likely way of transport .

 thats a little map on top of the door, of all the destination that you can go to by the subway.

so this is me .. and this is my life ..

PGY1 IS OVER !

FINALLY ! the exam is over, PGY1 is almost over, my move is done and everything is starting to settle in. i have to say that ive been on the GO mode since april and it sucked! actually, maybe from march. i remember back in march, i was looking for an apartment plus looking for a dress for my brother's wedding which was stressful then i went home and came back and was looking for a place and preparing for the end of the year exam then things got intensified as the exam and move date were approaching. there was the the apartment hunt, the furniture shopping, the packing, the move, the unpacking plus preparing for that freaking exam.june 12th was the day of salvation to me lol and i cant believe its all done. im still damaged ( gained weight due to poor diet and lack of exercise , poor skin, acne and hair loss due to stress and i feel mentally burnt out ) but im glad its all over.
i spent the 12th shopping and then the 13th cleaning my place and today,  i called in sick because i feel totally exhausted. plus i got a train to catch to meet some one special. i feel like im still on that GO mode, blaaah.

it scares me everytime im on that GO mode because i can feel like things are getting out of control and i could see me abusing myself and it hurts a lot not being able to care for your own self.
everytime i look at the mirror and see the acne, the poor skin condition, see that fat on top of the muscles i built, i really feel sad. i gave away my health for school and grades.. whats the use of good grades if i wasnt healthy .. i noticed that.. i tend to throw everything out of the window when it comes to school performance and IT MAKES NO SENSE . i really need to re establish a balance in my life .

speaking of shool and balance, PGY2 which starting to july is going to be tough. i heard its extremely stressful and it requires alot of studying ! ( baleen wain ana al7een alqa my balance :S ) . the reason why its stressful, is because ill be doing regular psychiatry care PLUS THERAPY and ill be assigned patients since DAY ONE. ya3ni no time to prepare! so since we got responsibilities already, the residents will end up having to reach themselves everything. ya3ni, i could get assigned with a schizophrenic patient before we get to cover schizophrenia in a lecture and since im the most responsible care giver, i should make sure that i know what im doing.  i do have the basic psychiatry knowledge but whats challenging is my THERAPY patients. i know a little bit because i love reading about it but i think its not fair to patients to sit with a resident, poor their heart out when the resident is completely clueless about what to do with that very personal information if you know what i mean. i heard it has longer workng hours, couple of exams and ill need to prepare for a presentation infront of ALL THE people working in my hospital . find my balance eh ? lol

no but seriously, i can't kill myself like this. there gotta be a way .. i gotta find an end for this.
i know i said that too many times but i gotta commit to it !

judgemental

funny how you can never please everyone ..

when i was in kuwait, when i was a kid , our parents and the society has implanted a set of beliefs in us .. beliefs and principles like respecting the elderly, submitting to the parents orders , and that its wrong to have a boyfriend , that you can never question your islam or god , that women who smoke are bad women, that people will look down on me if i jogged or cycled in public .. so many ideas were inserted in our brains .. i remember asking dad about things that didnt make sense to me in quraan or in islam and he would be telling me that god made our thinking so limited thus these things will never make sense and we have to obey them , i remember times when i discovered that some friends of mine who are good people and very respectful, were smokers and i was so confused .. how could that girl be a good girl when we were taught that a girl who smokes is a bad one .. ahhh .. so many stories to be told here about how confused i was when things like these happened ..
but somehow, i managed to grew out of these beliefs .. i learned how to make my own judgements .. it wasnt easy at the beginning and i had to force my mind open to accept all these differences ... it took me years to have the open mind that i have today and guess what? its not open enough yet but definitely, im less judgmental and more accepting for others now. i knew that this is the right thing to do. i knew that no one has the right to judge others . i knew that whats right and wrong is 100% subjective thus no one can force their opinion on others and i embraced that fact.

then i came here to canada where everyone has the right to be what they want to be. people dont gossip or stare here .. you are entitled to do whatever you want, to dress the way you want or speak out loud your opinion in the middle of dundas square. the freedom here is unlimited. i was shocked when i discovered that the reality is different. people may not voice OUT their opinion but they do judge here .. because this place is so multi cultural, people are categorized and are JUDGED . thats why you would see them all grouped up .. indians would hang out with indians, asians will be having their own neighborhood and their own social group, arabs are clustered together.
not only that.. because of all the differences, people tend to sometimes to question you.. question your religion, your belief  and values and even question your choice of clothes ..

its funny how ive been questioned so many times .. and what kills me is, ive been questioned by people with similar background ! they have questioned my religion.. questioned my beliefs.. not only questioned but tried to force their opinion on me ..
i understand that you feel lthat living in canada is so liberating now that you dont have to '' follow '' what the society made you follow back home and you know what? IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. but just because you reached to a conclusion that our religion or even traditions are so wrong, limiting and unfair, it doesnt mean that you should try to '' free '' others .
you may want to share '' the truth '' with me .. fair enough .. but dont force it on me .. dont tell me that what im doing is wrong and that im brain washed .. if you are trying to help me, i appreciate it. just tell me the facts and let me make my own decision ..
ahhh it really pisses me off !!! having to learn to keep an open mind and then coming to a country where i presumed that everyone is open minded but then bang, you end up realizing that the people here are not as accepting as you thought and that you are the only open minded person around here ..

growing up

i wonder why does growing up has to be painful and hard ? its funny how we always wanted to grow up when we were kids and i dont recall it ever to be that painful ? but it seems now that we are older, you gotta go through some hardship and pain to grow up, to be wiser and more mature .. does that make that kind of pain a good pain? i mean, i do know what good pain feels like.. its the pain i get when i work out.. its hard and painful but if you see me doing a hard workout, you will see me smiling and giggling like an idiot !!! i do really smile and giggle when im doing a challenging workout, i enjoy it and i can sense results while doing it .. but then, why does growing up pain upset me ? it does .. even when i know that this is going to do me good later on .. it does get me, it does make me feel low and bad .. even when i know its for the best .. i wonder if its because i think there are other ways to do that other than this painful way? when i workout, i know that there is no way that you would get better fitness unless you are physically challenged so i take it with open arms but with other life issues, it seems that it upsets me even when i know that eventually it will do me good, because i think there are other ways to gain that goodness other than this painful way .. maybe..

since i came from kuwait, a month ago, and ive been in this constant anxious stressed out state .. i have an exam in june that i havent prepared for, i have to move out of my apartment by the end of the month and im struggling to find one, im home sick , ive started a stressful rotation, i was offered to put on medications once again .. ive been extremely stressed out because i had so many things to deal with all of a sudden ..

1. exam: my exam is on june 12th and it includes all the lectures that we had ( total of 50 ) that i havent read before . since my memory been failing me .. ive been struggling to finish one lecture a day and thats making me really anxious. on the other hand, this exam is NOT graded. its one of those evaluation exams and basically you cant fail it . if you fail it, you will be having a meeting with the program director and thats it . i dont know why im stressing out on that exam .. sigh ...

2. apartment hunt: yes i am to be blamed for making it such a stressful experience. ive been extremely picky and that wasnt helpful .. ive been looking for an apartment in the same area im in right now .. you can see the attached map. i live where the middle cursor is ( bay and grosvenor st ) , my work is where the lower cursor is .. usually it takes 8-12min to walk to work, you can see around my work i got 2 subway stations; college and queen's park and i got alot of things around me actually including my bank, dentist, dr, friends and its located centrally in downtown . im moving out to charles and yonge st and its the cursor on top.. it will take me about 25-35 min to walk to work now which can be a problem if it was snowing or raining .. charles is near the fancy places in downtown ( blood st ) but also its near jarvis street ( where all the homeless and drug dealers live ) , i do have a subway station near me and that is bloor but i hate it coz its a major sub way station and its EXTREMELY busy and alot of pick pocketing happens there ..
so it took me forever to make up my mind .. i wanted to stick to my building but i couldnt find an apartment there and i was okay with any other buildings within this area but the problem is, there are alot of high towers here and its hard to find an apartment with unobstructed view here .. why do i need an obstructed view ? 1. for privacy reasons, i dont want to have to wear hijab all the time. 2. because i need sunlights in my place .. you may think im being really dalo3a but im telling you, these things are ESSENTIAL !! so anyway, i couldnt find such an apartment here and i had to go to charles because its one those new fancy high building and the view is BREATH TAKING !! ( ill show you pictures once i move in ) .. but i hate how sketchy my neighbor is .. i got a shelter and a strip club next door and ITS REALLY EXPENSIVE !! the rent is really high .. so i had to say yes, because i need to leave this place in 2 weeks and i havent found anything else.
it will be a new experience .. alot of people that im going to encounter in my building should be rich fancy ones , dealing with the homeless outside my building should be a learning experience , getting to know my way through bloor and yorkville will be great in a way i guess .. and now that more than half of my salary is spent on the rent, that will teach me how to watch my spending and not take things for granted lol .. but it stresses me out the fact that i know ill be moving out again next year.. and it wont be as easy as this one since the apartment im in is already furnished so i dont have to carry alot of things with me when i move out but next year moving out should be even more stressful since i;ll be carrying all the furniture with me :(

i cant wait till june the 13th .. ill be done with my exam and done with the moving in process and maybe ill be at peace once again ...

Review; Fresh

review of fresh: vegan restaurant in toronto is now on my tumblr

when home means pain..

in less than 3 weeks, ill be home and god you have no idea how much i missed my family and how bad i wanted to go home until lately ...
it seems that this vacation has come at the wrongest time .. ive been feeling really stressed lately because alot is happening right now ..
so my apartment lease is about to expire and the agent has asked me if i wanted to renew the lease or not.. im supposed to leave my apartment by may 1st but i cant seem to find a good replacement .. i love this apartment so much that im so afraid of giving it up .. but i need a bigger place, pet friendly and a place where i can furnish it the way i want ( i live in a furnished apartment ) but im in love with my view and the amount of sunshine that comes into my place and this is rare in downtown due to all these high buildings around .. so the agent been calling me and nagging on me to make a decision, i need to let him know by monday if im leaving or not and so far, ive seen a couple of other apartment but none is as good as mine so this has been stressful to me.
the other issue is my visa issue .. i still have no visa and if i leave canada, i wont be able to come back .. i was asked to mail my passport earlier this month to issue the visa but i didn't, i was so scared that it will take a long time ( average is 4 weeks ) and then i wont be able to go home because im passport-less now .. so im taking a risk here and gambling by doing it when i go back to kuwait .. usually it takes 14 days .. so the moment i land into kuwait, ill mail my passport thru fedex in the airport and hopefully get it back before my vacation ends ( will be tricky since im only staying in kuwait for 12 days ) .. i heard stories about people who ended up being stuck in their country for MONTHS .. due to visa issues :s ..
thing is, when i come back with my new visa, i still have a couple of issues to manage too.. alot of places need a copy of my new visa so i might not be able to resume work until i update them with my new visa .
speaking of vacation, i havent submitted my vacation request yet . ive contacted the dr responsible and she hasnt replied yet .. what the hell am i supposed to do? ive already booked my ticket anyway.
and then theres the wedding which is really stressing me out .. i cant seem to find a decent dress here and i dont know if ill be able to find a dress in kuwait, ill arrive on 30th of march and the wedding is on 4th of april .. i got only 3 days to shop .. that sounds really risky.. and im so frustrated by the fact that i havent lost weight or toned my body for the wedding ..
add to that that im currently PMSing lol .. damn, i really noticed that i can get really emotional and easily irritated when im PMSing .. i mean, i don't memorise my period dates so yesterday i noticed that i was extremely emotional and irritated and i felt that i was really being dramatic so i wondered if im PMSing and  took a look at my period app and it turns out that im pmsing INDEED lol
and my old drama still continues .. and we are getting tangled even more  and its getting more and more complicated everyday and its making me not wanna go home ...
im dreading going home .. im dreading going back to find emptiness where my world used to be . ive made plans to keep myself extremely busy and occupied with other stuff but i know that these memorise will hunt me and eventually get me ...

yeah .. going home right now does not seem like the best decision with all of this going on right now ..

eating clean .

wow the concept of eating clean has started to blow my mind .. i never thought *i* would fall into that but i did lol .. i dont know if i feel healthier, lighter, skinner or even more energetic like everyone else who is eating clean but I'm definitely excited about cooking clean lol .. i love how creative clean eating is, how they replace ingredients with healthier ones .. ITS AMAZING ! maybe thats why im so interested in it .. for the cooking part rather than the health aspect lol...
so ive made alot of discoveries , recipe-wise, lol and id say my favourite one is KALE CHIPS .. i feel EXTREMELY SORRY for those who are not familiar with kale chips or never tried em .. oh my god .. its heaven's sent .. ITS SO DAMN GOOD .. yet healthy !! im not even a fan of chips in general and to me, kale chips is DESSERTS!! if i wanted to spoil myself, i make me kale chips.. they are THAT GOOD !!

so ive been experimenting alot and i realised whats even cooler than clean eating is VEGAN FOOD !! there s SOOO MUCH CREATIVITY in it .. like .. SO MUCH !! no im not turning vegan or vegetarian but my diet has been mainly vegetarian lately because of all the new cool recipes that i found lol .. plus its way easier , quicker and less fattening .. so ive been cooking alot lately .. today, i worked with quinoa. i surprised myself with the dessert ..ive always read about desserts made of whey protien but never really thought about doing em because whey protien was NOT made to be part of desserts .. so ive always dismissed these recipes .. but today, i was feeling crappy and i know myself .. when im crappy, i eat .. i eat ALOT .. and i know that eventually, ill be hunting for something sweet and i didnt want to reach for that dark chocolate bar that ive hid ( from myself ) so i decided to make something healthier .. so i made .. PROTIEN PUDDING !! and gues what! IT TASTED SOOOOO GOOD !!! i used my peanut butter chocolate whey protein with almond milk ( i stopped drinking regular milk due to my lactose intolerance ) and added a spoon of peanut butter ( can never have enough of peanut butter ) with gelatin and oh.. my .. god .. it tasted like any other chocolate pudding from grocery stores ONLY HEALTHIER .. it had up to 32g of protiens ( vs 38g in 8oz steak ) and 1g of sugar !!!!! could it even be better than this?

its been amazing cooking day .. im really thinking about getting a degree in cooking .. maybe join culinary school part time since i really enjoy cooking .. and then i wouldnt have to eat a lot. because the more i cook here, the more i eat and i dont want that .. but if i was in class, ill prolly have the option not to eat the food i cooked lol

anyway, ive also made a tumblr ( you can shoot me now ) for my food pictures .. i know alot of people been complaining about how my life revolves around food and its been getting on my nerves so i decided to make a tumblr and just post my food adventures there .. ill try to post recipes there too so i can use this as a online source for my recipes

healthomania.tumblr.com

working out

so this is the 3rd month of this year and i think ive made a great improvement when it comes to working out. i remember starting with building a habit and i think the habit has been built already :) .. i wake up around 5:30-6 everyday with no complains or 3asra .. i have no issues getting off bed knowing that im doing that to workout, even if its legs day which i hate .. its amazing wallah .. it feels like ive tamed myself lol .. i remember having hard time waking up for class or work but with workingout, its waay easier and less painful .. even if its cold .. even if its dark .. even if i feel like i havent had enough sleep .. id still get up and workout and yawn like 75% during the workout lol but im loving it .. i love my commitment .. im not 100% enjoying it lol .. and I'm not really getting impressive results but i think making working out as part of my daily activities is a success in a way .. and results SHOULD COME .. i mean it makes sense right .. whether i workout for 1 month, 1 yr or even 10yrs, results SHOULD come one day coz its only logical

getting old ..

i feel so old .. i know i AM getting older in a couple of days but thats not what i meant .. my body is starting to fail me.. first my knees which i screwed by doing daily 100 jumping ropes and climbing stairs when i weighted 85kg .. i remember the day i busted em .. i couldnt bend them .. i think i was actually playing dance dance revolution when i heard em crack the first time .. now my back is killing me .. it used to be bad but then it went away and now my back pain is back with vengeance .. so ive been doing some physiotherapy for my knees and my physiotherapist told me that my knees pain is caused by WEAK MUSCLES in my thighs esp inner thighs .. which you could totally tell if you look at my thighs lol ( TIME TO DO MORE SQUATS :( ) .. anyway .. so i went to see my PT and i told her that my back is killing me so she took a look at it and guess what? my back is caused by my HYPERFLEXIBILITY .. lol . ive been told that my joints are hyper flexible but seriously? my back too ? so it seems that my spinal vertebrae are so flexible that they can bend all the way instead of remaining stable in their place so my lower back ends up taking all the pressure .. im not even sure i explained it well here lol but yeah anyway, im hyper flexible ..

you know what that means? yeah yeah life long back pain .. but also .. i could do the things ive always wnated to do .. i could bend like there is no tomorrow :D

maybe i should ask my physiotherapist first lol .. what if i bend too much and crack my back even more? dude im already a walking 3aha, i dont think i can afford more disabilities .. i am already half deaf, wearing glasses, memory brain cells are fried, knees issue and now back pain .. no more :S

al7madallah 3ala kel 7al :)

Failure

So i failed..
I failed making you feel loved enough,
I failed keeping you mine,
I failed keeping you part of my life,
I failed fixing it,
I failed fixing us,
I failed fixing me,
I failed getting over it,
I failed getting over you,
I failed getting over us,
And i failed letting go,
I failed moving on,
I failed " live and let live ",
I failed finding myself again,
I failed getting over my need for you,
I failed getting stronger enough to be kn my own,
I failed reaching soberty
Because i never made it through the withdrawal,
Honestly speaking, never even stopped being intoxicated.
I failed you as a lover,
I failed you as a friend,
I failed keeping my promises,
I failed being the person i " wanted to be " and do the things " i really wanted to do "
I failed taking my pain away,
I failed taking your pain away , that if i havnt made it worse.
I failed love, i failed friendship
Everything about this reminds me of how much of a " failure " i am and i just cabt stand it anymore.
However, the truth is, not only i have failed, you did too.
For the sake of whatever is left of this, let us not fail to make a wise decision and let go. You said it before but i refused to believe it, i didnt want to believe it, but you were right. This isnt going to work anymore.
You might be hating me right now, you might be so hurt right now and you may not believe me, but i only did this because i loved you too much to see you suffer.
So i let go,
I let you live,
Let you enjoy the life you chose with the ones you chose to love,
This isnt right and we both know it,
And im comfortable letting you now that you said you are being taken care of and you got people who make you feel safe and make sure you are well and happy.
Therez nothing left for me to offer,
My existence is not needed, atleast not in your world.
So move on, chase your dreams and fight for what you believe in and remember, magic happens when you believe.
May this be the end of your suffering and the beginning of a new pain/drama free chapter in your life.
You are loved. Never forget that.