stressing myself out

Ive been feeling stressed out lately and im really ashamed to say that ive done it again and i iver stressed myself !! ahhh this is just so annoying !! i tend to overwhelm myself with demands and stuff o elqahar ashya2 sa5eefa not even worth being stressed over !! i really need to be a carefree person .. i just keep on stressing myself way too much to the fact that i have a panic attack the other day .. imagine .. after being panic free for so long now, i bring em back and over what? Working out !!! this is just ridiculous ... im trying some new time management thing and hopefully it works out before i go haywire and panic like crazy i feel scared .. really scared... too know that whatever im going through was created by me, by my mind and im having hard time controlling them, it makes me scared because i know no one can protect me from my own self .. its like being locked in with a psychopath and no one knows how to get you out.. do you know what i mean? Its like something is seriously wrong in your life and its causing you this intolerable pain and depression and that thing is YOU !! i tried to change so many times but i failed .. HOW DO YOU CHANGE YOURSELF ?? i am 100% motivated to do so coz im sick of the way i feel but i dont know how .. it makes me feel so desperate ... i have no one to run to and even going home wont help me at all coz i cant escape myself . Ive made a mess out of me, i dont know what else my mind want me to do to myself !! ive realized that self destruction is what i do the best and this is getting out of control .... ive been trying to change for so long now and the fact that i havent been able to indicates an element of resistance .. i mean what else could it be ? But i know 10000% that im not doing this consciously, omg id pay whatever it takes to learn how to be carefree ... maybe i should start therapy .. try to find out whats wrong and stuff .. but with my hectic daily schedule, its kinda hard .. im not even sure that i can find therapist working past 7pm :S and people ask me, why do i hate myself ? BECAUSE OF THIS, it gave me nothing but heartache and insanity .. i got that sadistic mind who tries to hurt me in every possible way .. and it doesnt make sense .. how could my mind control me ? Lol , arent i suppose to be the one controlling it ?? ahhhhh just thinking about it makes me panicky .. i better shut up now