panicking again

i havent been feeling well lately .. i dont know why but ive been anxious and panicky and its becoming more and more everyday without any obvious reasons ...i could think of some but im not totally convinced that this is it if you know what i mean ... 1) not being able to stick to my to-do list: but ive already worked this out with myself and realized that i wasnt really realistic and started making realistic plans which i havent been able to apply yet but im planning to work on it pretty soon, ma3qola failing my to do list could be the cause ?? i know i came with alot of expectations and wanted to do much but i couldnt but ive spent a whole day managing this issue with myself and made some plans .. now that im thinking about it more .. it cant be it .. i mean, it does make me upset but NOT PANICKY .. 2) not being able to study : yeah the old enemy is back .. me being all obsessed about studying .. thing is, according to 90% of all people i met, they told me its COMPLETELY OK NOT TO STUDY during the 1st year .. especially that ill be doing rotations which are not related to my field .. they told me to take it easy and not study at all and ill be fine .. and u know, i kinda believe them because look at me, ive survived 2 weeks of medicine without studying .. its not as bad as i think .. it will get worse later on but i dont know .. i know this is one of the reasons that im feeling guilty and bad .. but thing is, I AM TRYING , i swear to god i am .. i come from work at 7 exhausted and tired and never the less i spend atleast an HOUR trying to study everyday, why wont i get credit for that ?? 3) memory loss now this is related to the 2nd issue, not being able to study efficiently is making me panic .. i know that i made peace with this memory loss issue but it seems to haunt me back now ..i started doing some mental training and brain games but im not even sure this will work .. i know this is stress related but HOW ON EARTH CAN I STOP BEING STRESSED !! HOW !!! teach me .. i dont even know how to stop caring 4) the old cycle of panicking coz im panicking now is back . but im getting this under control 5) doubting my subspeciality .. here we go again with elmawtho3 el sa5eef .. doubting my choice .. the fact that i keep on doubting it every once in a while makes me panic to be honest .. its like something isnt right .. even when i came to canada and saw how aweful people are, that made me panic even more ... coz i thought ppl werent feeling ok in kuwait coz of lack of good psychiatric help but canada is supposed to be one of countries with the best mental health system so why people are still a mess .. loads and loads of miserable poeple.. but then, u cant blame them .. life here is hectic, i really dont blame anyone for feeling miserable ... i dont know when im going to end this once and for all .. even if i hated psych ( WHICH I DONT ), its the best available option .. i really think i should work on the balance thing .. coz i can totally see a pattern here .. the problem was never in the subspeciality .. its not that i hated medicine and its not that i think psych is useless .. its the fact that im so scared that i wont reach to my own expectations .. i can totally see that now ... i decided not to be a medical dr coz i doubted my own abilities esp with my memory disturbance , i knew im going to fail being an internist coz i could never memorize all that information .. its not hard .. its not that i hated it .. on the contrary, I ENJOY DOING MEDICINE .. but i had a belief that i dont have what it takes to be an internist .. and now this is happening again with psych .. i chose it coz i thought its interesting and i thought i had a lil gift with people but now im doubting the field coz im doubting my own abilities .. i dont have self esteem issues .. well .. maybe a little but there's something else .. i dont know why im so scared of venturing and finding out if it was my thing or not .. i dont know why im so afraid to fail ... maybe coz im afraid that people will leave me once they realize that im useless .. but nobody is completely useless .. everyone is good at a thing or another .. god, i so need to see a therapist .. *sigh* 6) been feeling really lonely lately.. family doesnt really ask much about me , most of my friends seem like they moved on with their new life without me and i havent made any GOOD friends yet .. i know a couple of girls who i hang out with but they r just FUN friends if u know what i mean .. i feel so lonely ... i think i need to go back to therapy .. but where will i find one that would fit into my long working days ...