PGY1

so I have finally received my 1st year schedule and it sucks big time .. LIKE BIG TIME starting on july 30th july 30th – august 26th: elective august 27th – sept 30 : psych ER oct 1-28: elective oct 29 – jan 1: general medicine jan 2 – feb 3: palliative care feb4 – mar 3: ER mar 4-apr 7: psych CL apr 8 – may 5: behavioural neurology may6 –june2 : neurology june 3-30: addiction so lets start with the good news, the good news that ive been relocated from Toronto general hospital ( REALLY BUSY PLACE ) to mount Sinai where I work now, which is quieter and has a friendlier staff here .. plus mount Sinai is smaller and u don’t get lost in it like in Toronto general .. I was assigned first in Toronto general and I don’t know how I ended up in mount Sinai but im really glad :D now the bad news is, they screwed my vacation .. you see, I was planning to use the ELECTIVE to come home ( you could do it in Kuwait ) but now its on august and I don’t wanna come home yet lol .. I don’t miss home that much yet .. plus, I cant take a vacation in my 1st rotation and I think I cant take one until I pass 6 months of my rotations .. that means, I cant use the electives as vacation ( a lot of people do that ). And the other bad thing is, I don’t know what to do with the electives :s .. usually people go through rotations and know what they like and what they don’t and based on that, they decide their electives .. mine is at the very beginning :S so I don’t even know what to choose .. so 1st of all, ill be stuck here in Canada and not knowing what to do with my electives .. that sucks big time .. this week sucks too . I got 3 on calls in one week :s .. today which is Monday, on Friday and on Sunday .. and Friday Sunday thing sucks big time coz I go to work on Friday and come back on Saturday then go to work the next day and come back on Monday .. waai3 .. there;’s a concert for yanni that Saturday, I don’t know if ill be able to attend with such a crazy on call  .. maybe I should .. as a reward .. I don’t know, we will see

panicking again

i havent been feeling well lately .. i dont know why but ive been anxious and panicky and its becoming more and more everyday without any obvious reasons ...i could think of some but im not totally convinced that this is it if you know what i mean ... 1) not being able to stick to my to-do list: but ive already worked this out with myself and realized that i wasnt really realistic and started making realistic plans which i havent been able to apply yet but im planning to work on it pretty soon, ma3qola failing my to do list could be the cause ?? i know i came with alot of expectations and wanted to do much but i couldnt but ive spent a whole day managing this issue with myself and made some plans .. now that im thinking about it more .. it cant be it .. i mean, it does make me upset but NOT PANICKY .. 2) not being able to study : yeah the old enemy is back .. me being all obsessed about studying .. thing is, according to 90% of all people i met, they told me its COMPLETELY OK NOT TO STUDY during the 1st year .. especially that ill be doing rotations which are not related to my field .. they told me to take it easy and not study at all and ill be fine .. and u know, i kinda believe them because look at me, ive survived 2 weeks of medicine without studying .. its not as bad as i think .. it will get worse later on but i dont know .. i know this is one of the reasons that im feeling guilty and bad .. but thing is, I AM TRYING , i swear to god i am .. i come from work at 7 exhausted and tired and never the less i spend atleast an HOUR trying to study everyday, why wont i get credit for that ?? 3) memory loss now this is related to the 2nd issue, not being able to study efficiently is making me panic .. i know that i made peace with this memory loss issue but it seems to haunt me back now ..i started doing some mental training and brain games but im not even sure this will work .. i know this is stress related but HOW ON EARTH CAN I STOP BEING STRESSED !! HOW !!! teach me .. i dont even know how to stop caring 4) the old cycle of panicking coz im panicking now is back . but im getting this under control 5) doubting my subspeciality .. here we go again with elmawtho3 el sa5eef .. doubting my choice .. the fact that i keep on doubting it every once in a while makes me panic to be honest .. its like something isnt right .. even when i came to canada and saw how aweful people are, that made me panic even more ... coz i thought ppl werent feeling ok in kuwait coz of lack of good psychiatric help but canada is supposed to be one of countries with the best mental health system so why people are still a mess .. loads and loads of miserable poeple.. but then, u cant blame them .. life here is hectic, i really dont blame anyone for feeling miserable ... i dont know when im going to end this once and for all .. even if i hated psych ( WHICH I DONT ), its the best available option .. i really think i should work on the balance thing .. coz i can totally see a pattern here .. the problem was never in the subspeciality .. its not that i hated medicine and its not that i think psych is useless .. its the fact that im so scared that i wont reach to my own expectations .. i can totally see that now ... i decided not to be a medical dr coz i doubted my own abilities esp with my memory disturbance , i knew im going to fail being an internist coz i could never memorize all that information .. its not hard .. its not that i hated it .. on the contrary, I ENJOY DOING MEDICINE .. but i had a belief that i dont have what it takes to be an internist .. and now this is happening again with psych .. i chose it coz i thought its interesting and i thought i had a lil gift with people but now im doubting the field coz im doubting my own abilities .. i dont have self esteem issues .. well .. maybe a little but there's something else .. i dont know why im so scared of venturing and finding out if it was my thing or not .. i dont know why im so afraid to fail ... maybe coz im afraid that people will leave me once they realize that im useless .. but nobody is completely useless .. everyone is good at a thing or another .. god, i so need to see a therapist .. *sigh* 6) been feeling really lonely lately.. family doesnt really ask much about me , most of my friends seem like they moved on with their new life without me and i havent made any GOOD friends yet .. i know a couple of girls who i hang out with but they r just FUN friends if u know what i mean .. i feel so lonely ... i think i need to go back to therapy .. but where will i find one that would fit into my long working days ...

stressing myself out

Ive been feeling stressed out lately and im really ashamed to say that ive done it again and i iver stressed myself !! ahhh this is just so annoying !! i tend to overwhelm myself with demands and stuff o elqahar ashya2 sa5eefa not even worth being stressed over !! i really need to be a carefree person .. i just keep on stressing myself way too much to the fact that i have a panic attack the other day .. imagine .. after being panic free for so long now, i bring em back and over what? Working out !!! this is just ridiculous ... im trying some new time management thing and hopefully it works out before i go haywire and panic like crazy i feel scared .. really scared... too know that whatever im going through was created by me, by my mind and im having hard time controlling them, it makes me scared because i know no one can protect me from my own self .. its like being locked in with a psychopath and no one knows how to get you out.. do you know what i mean? Its like something is seriously wrong in your life and its causing you this intolerable pain and depression and that thing is YOU !! i tried to change so many times but i failed .. HOW DO YOU CHANGE YOURSELF ?? i am 100% motivated to do so coz im sick of the way i feel but i dont know how .. it makes me feel so desperate ... i have no one to run to and even going home wont help me at all coz i cant escape myself . Ive made a mess out of me, i dont know what else my mind want me to do to myself !! ive realized that self destruction is what i do the best and this is getting out of control .... ive been trying to change for so long now and the fact that i havent been able to indicates an element of resistance .. i mean what else could it be ? But i know 10000% that im not doing this consciously, omg id pay whatever it takes to learn how to be carefree ... maybe i should start therapy .. try to find out whats wrong and stuff .. but with my hectic daily schedule, its kinda hard .. im not even sure that i can find therapist working past 7pm :S and people ask me, why do i hate myself ? BECAUSE OF THIS, it gave me nothing but heartache and insanity .. i got that sadistic mind who tries to hurt me in every possible way .. and it doesnt make sense .. how could my mind control me ? Lol , arent i suppose to be the one controlling it ?? ahhhhh just thinking about it makes me panicky .. i better shut up now

another attempt to make friends with 5aliji ppl

so yesterday i went out with a new bunch of poeple, kuwaiti doctors from kuwait and suadi .. walla they are fun and stuff but they reminded me of typical kuwaitis .. u know , they wanna go to cafes and chat or go shopping and stuff .. and even one of the kuwaities really scare me off .. she';s the kind that would throw words at u just like that and i dont know, she scared me lol , i tried my best not to have long conversations with her because i didnt wanna have stuff throw at me lol .. and u dont know if she's joking or serious coz she has this poker face lol guess i still need to look for friends .. damn, its a city with population of 5 millions !! why cant i find some interesting people !!!!! i wanna go hiking, biking, rollerbading , walking around the city, fishing , sailing . Why cant i find people who wants to do the same thing mumbles

ewing sarcoma

so this is my 3rd on call and they've been pampering me and i know i should be happy that i get to sleep everynight unlike the rest of the residents but I WANT TO LEARN!! I WANT TO WORK@@ because once, i become officially a resident, ill be making the calls here ! ill be responsible and thats freaky :( i thought this call will be different because usually we are 3 from the same team, our senior who destributes the cases, M who's a medical student and me .. and my senior is really pampering me and making the medical student do all the work and tonight, he's not here, he took today off so i thought thats my chance to be worked out but guess what? ITS A QUIET NIGHT!! i know i shouldnt be complaining and i should be happy that there is no work and stuff but i really wanna learn !! anyway i did get a case though and its such a heart breaking one .. its a young guy who got cancer in his bone when he was 18, it was in his spine so he was paralyzed for 2yrs untill he finished his chemotherapy and stuff and he thought he was cured. we did a scan on him and found out that the cancer has spread to his sacrum ( hip bone ) and lungs .. basically.. he's terminal .. when you get cancer, thats bad news and it means chemo or radiation and all these aweful therapies but when your cancer gets spread out, thats like game over. they dont even bother giving you cancer treatment and they will treat you symptomatically .. as in giving you pain medicine and stuff and not actual cancer treatment .. that made me so sad .. the guy is so funny and pleasant .. he had high spirit and stuff .. he was telling me how his hockey team lost the tournement and how he's sure that by next year, they'll get it .. he didnt know that he might not be here next year and that his family will have to watch him die slowly :( i really felt bad .. we really do take life for granted .. look at him .. he never saw that coming .. he got cancer when he was 18 and he'll be dead when he's 21 .. wow .. can you imagine that? sigh .. allah ye9aber ahalha o yeshafee

time management

its been a while !! i still have hard time organizing my time and this is causing a big deal of stress and frustration !! i try my best not to bother myself with the unfinished to do list, u know teach myself how to be flexible and stuff and it works on daily basis but then by the end of the week, when i see my cumilative undone stuff, i freak out big time ! and I AM BEING REALISTIC !! i have already given up most of the stuff that I WANTED TO DO in canada and narrowed the list to what i NEED TO DO!! and that is, studying, working out and free reading .. but its not working out .. here how my day goes: 6:30 i wake up. iron my clothes and have breakfast . i usually take my time waking up like id check twitter and stuff on my bed and i NEED to do that so i dont feel all stressed out and brutally pulled out of bed you know .. 7:40 am : go to work and ill be at work by 8 8 am - 6:30 pm: work 7pm: im home or sometimes i need to go buy stuff so ill be home around 8:30 7-9pm: praying, cooking, cleaning up , eating and watching something or reading something 9pm: an attempt to study which usually fails and end in like 40min coz im just too tired 11pm : im in bed but somehow i end up sleeping around midnight i know it sounds like im wasting alot of time but im not .. trust me im not .. the reason why im giving myself time to do luxury stuff is that im easily stressed, ana eb '3orba, i have no friends so i dont wanna over stress myself with studying/work and end up depressed. im thinking about altering this a bit so i can really do something productive during the day .. im thinking of waking up at 5:00am and maybe study then till 7:00 ( my room is overlooking a very beautiful sunrise view .. i woke up to pee a few days ago and i was amazed by how beautiful the sunrise is from my room ) thing is, i could wake up at 5 and work out instead of studying but then by the time im home, ill be dead tired to read anything since ive waken up SO EARLY hmmm guess ill be testing this .. scenario A 5am: waking up and staying in bed till 5:30 5:30-7:00 : study 7:00-7:30 : get ready to work by ironing clothes and making breakfasts 8am -6:30 work 7pm-8pm go home, pray , eat an apple then go for a walk ( as work out and to explore the city ) an hour walk. 8pm-9pm: dinner and stuff 9-11pm: to do whatever i want. and im thinking one hour studying and one hour ( my time whether reading or so ) but i know that my time will be wasted coz of phone calls/chats/errands 11pm- 5am: sleep but then i was aiming for 7hrs sleep , guess ill be done to 6 blaaah .. Scenario B ** suddenly eshtaheet dyayat kanari :( ** 5am: wake up 5:30 - 7 : work out ( jogging or cardio ) --> i dunno if its a good idea to jump around in my apartment where people underneath me are sleeping :S 7:00 - 7:30 get ready for work 7:30-8 am: going to work 8 am - 6:30 pm: at work 7pm: home 7-8pm: praying, dinner , watching somethin ( reason why i stress on prayers coz ill be doing 9alat elthoher o el3a9er, thats 8 rek3at, it takes time u know :P ) 8-10pm: studying 10-11pm: my time but then i keep on freaking out over the fact that ill be waking up at 5 am and only sleeping 6hrs .. that doesnt sound healthy at all ... but even my life style right now isnt healthy .. blaaah .. i know you are probably thinking mo lazem i work out everyday .. thing is, im not really workin out everyday .. ana 7a6a yom cardio o yom strength and stuff .. and keep in mind that when im on call, there wont be any working out .. so yeah .. i really dont know what to do .. this is is driving me crazy .. i came here to LIVE mo repeat the same mistake i did in kuwait and lose my life to my work/studies i wanna live and i wanna live it right !

misplaced

so here i am again, on my 2nd on call .. damn i need to get me one of these keyboards, it makes typing so much fun, better than the mac laptop keyboard.. i kinda like big tabs that make sounds when you press it.. i dont know why but it works as positive reinforcement making me wanna type more and more wahahaha. so yeah what did i wanna say ? yeah my weekend got screwed because of this on call .. since its all saturday and half of sunday but atleast ill be free the next weekend and its 4pm and so far so quiet so im glad. hope it stays like this during the night so i can get some sleep . its been a month since i left kuwait. days did pass by so quick!! i havent settled mentally and psychologically and part of me is freaking out a bit ... i know for sure that i have nothing left for me in kuwait .. true i have family and friends there but .. i dont know how to describe it, its like therez nothing for me there .. nothing that im missing so bad or nothing that makes me wanna go back .. it doesnt even feel painful being far away .. its funny but i dont think ill be feeling any home sickness .. but then, i dont feel as if i belong here too ..toronto is not my city plus ive been too busy to be honest to explore this place .. but part of me knows that this is not my thing and now i feel misplaced .. i got nothing to go back to back home and i dont feel as if i belong here .. and this is making me feel insecure .. but i also believe this is the anxious voice inside of me trying to throw in a panic attack or so .. i mean if u think about it, toronto has almost everything i ever wanted .. ALMOST .. i mean different ppl, different languages , different cuultures , i can do whatever i want with no restriction, i can skydive or hike or bike or whatever i want .. but i dont know why i feel out of place .. maybe i should go out more and make friends .. i met a couple of people but i wouldnt call any as a FRIEND, u know like a friend friend that i can talk to or go out with .. so i met an interesting patient .. she's a holocaust survivor.. she was in auschwitz which is a concentration camp in poland in which hitler used to kill the jews .. ive been there when i was in poland and ive seen alot of documentries about it .. it was so horrofying whatever happened there, i cant believe that ive met a survivor .. she even had her number tattoed in her arm. she was 12 then ..wow .. i dont dare to ask her about it .. poor lady .. i think im gonna take some italian lessons .. i mean there are ALOT of italian people here or maybe keep on doing spanish ?? i dont know but definitely im learning one of these and french will be easy to learn too coz everything is written in french and english here .. but i think i wont enroll in a class yet .. coz my working hours are too long to fit a language course and work out in the same day so i think im gonna focus on working out for 6 months and when i reach my goal, ill go to language classes. speaking of work out, i still havent had the time or the mood or even the strength to work out and ive been eating alot .. home made food but still.. you know, maybe i shouldnt cook as much . to be honest, i wanst cookin to eat, i was cooking to have fun coz i really do enjoy it but i think this is reflecting so badly on my weight and fittness plan .. so currently im cooking all the BAD food to get rid of it and then i;ll start the real thing .. im still looking for a good diet/work out plan so if u have any, ill appreciate it . its 5:15pm, so far so quiet .. maybe i should nap .. in case all the people decide to come at night :S