the inevitable

what would you do if you saw the inevitable approaching?
would you still fight it ? hoping that you'd buy yourself some time to figure out a way to reverse it?
or would you let go and accept it, live your life to the fullest until its here ..
or will you end yourself before it hits you to end your suffering of anticipating the inevitable ?

i've struggled with myself to make that decision, the biggest part of me wanted me to be wrong, a tiny hope in me was fighting for a chance.. but doubt is such a heavy burden to carry around, it slows you down and confuses you. the quickest way to get defeated, is to rush into the battlefield with doubts that you'll win. and doubt has always been by my side .. half way through, you end up fighting the doubt AND the inevitable .. 2 against 1 .. we all know where this will lead..
plus, can you really stop the inevitable? i could need think of one way to do that .. a miracle .. and i'm no miracle maker...

would you go for euthanasia ? put a mercy bullet through it and end this painful anticipation? will that really end the suffering ? would that really make you feel better ?

or would you live day by day and cross that bridge when you reach it ? but what f you couldn't live day by day, what if the anticipation was getting into your way? what if suffering was part of your everyday !

i dont see a win:win situation here .. fighting made me feel better, because i knew that im trying hard, because i knew i am DOING something.. even when i knew that its futile, i was more than happy to go down trying but when you realize that you are the only one fighting, you cant help but to doubt it all and that drains you out, put you in a state of deliruim and everything seem to be pointless at that point ...

there is always a way.. i just cant seem to find it ..
i'm blinded by anger, hatred, jealousy, pain and MORE anger and i'm started to lose myself in this.
i want this to end ...
i dont want to lose myself again..