Mindfulness

mindfulnes is becoming popular nowadays … its the new yoga .. the new zumba .. the new zen .. mindfulness has become more than just a philosophy, a life skill .. its started to be used in psychiatry and in pain services. psychiatrists are starting to use mindfulness as part of treatment for depression and anxiety, people with cancer or chronic pain disorders are prescribed 8weeks course of mindfulness … I've grown an interest in it and started to read a bit about it but then i realised that its nothing new .. mindfulness is a primary skill that we all had one day but due to this crazy busy life, we somehow stopped doing it ..
the books make it sound so complicated with all the breathing exercises and stuff .. but mindfulness is NOT about breathing, it is NOT all zen and stuff .. to me, mindfulness is simply the complete opposite of multi tasking .. this life nowadays seem to push us more towards multitasking .. and we think, the better we are in multitasking, the more efficient we become and the better quality of life we will have .. guess what? WE ARE WRONG !!
take a second and lets practise mindfulness now ..
take a look around you .. i bet u are multitasking as you read this .. if you are not playing music in the background then probably you have other windows open beside this one .. or you have the tv on .. or you are work .. or maybe you are eating at the moment .. are you checking your mobile? replying texts or whatsapps as you are reading this? were you doing something then u stopped to check this blog out ?
when you left to work this morning, were you talking on the phone while you drive? or were you listening to music?
so you ask, so what? so what if we are multitasking …
you miss on life when you multi task .. when you drive and talk on da phone .. you miss out on the scenaries around you ( even in a country like kuwait where scenery is non existent ), you miss out on '' hearing that person's voice ''.. trust me, you are missing out .. i remember when i was back in kuwait, there were days when i'd turn off the radio, open up my car's windows and just listen to the air breeze.. dangle my hand outside the window and feel the wind tickling my palm .. it felt so good .. sometimes id open my room's window and lay in bed .. not playing with my phone or reading.. id lay down and listen … then id get amazed coz id start hearing birds and stuff .. i remember going to el mamsha .. and instead of having my headphones on .. id walk and look around … it gives you the chance to focus on other stuff .. ud start noticing the grass , the clouds, the smell of air .. it sounds so cheesy until you actually try it …

mindfulness is not only nature related .. when is the last time you had a meal and could actually taste what u were eating ? that you could distinguish the different ingredients in hat meal ? do you know whats the color of your neighbour's car? you probably see it everyday as you leave your house but i bet you, you never really noticed what colour it was ..

so what triggered all that .. well. I've noticed that I'm always on the edge, I'm always on the go .. i do things too quick and I'm too damn busy .. and i decided to slow down my day .. slow down every activity, even my daily routines .. so one of the things that i started doing it at a slower pace is praying, el 9alat .. because we have been doing it too long, sometimes you do it automatically without even being aware of your movements .. praying slower made me more mindful ..
what hit me was when we get up from el reko3 and say  سمع الله لمن حمد ! ربنا ولك الحمد  a phrase that i really took for granted .. or shall i say, never really noticed .. sam3a allaho lem 7ameda .. it has a story but regardless of it .. have u ever thought about it .. god hears those who praise him .. and we all know that the more you thank god, the more god grants you things .. so it goes like, god hears those who praise him and then its followed by praising god .. we recite this at least twice in every prayer but have anyone noticed that ..
so yeah .. the main point is ..mindfuless is awareness .. its focusing .. its enriching .. and the most important thing is, its saving your brain cells or whatever is left of em ..

since i started being more mindful, a lot of things were hitting me so hard .. its amazing .. its seeing the world with another perspective .. its living life to the fullest .. its having the whole experience …

there's a lot that i wanted to write about but I'm getting sleepy .. maybe later

Iron deficiency!

This iron deficiency anemia is driving me nuts!!!!! I had hard time focusing to start with and now this came in to make me even more miserable!! Not only that, it killed my stamina!!! I can hardly workout because im out of breath too soon! I got a wedding cooking, I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT! I cant afford that now :(
I dont know why i got it now! My diet is balanced! I might not be a big red meat fan but i do eat it every once in a while and i do have lots n lots of green veggies!! And no my period isnt heavy or irregular! I know its really common for women to have iron deficiency anemia but i dont understand why me, n why now :(
Im easily fatigued and i started sleeping early coz of that! Its 9:30pm on a weekend and i cant keep my eyes open! Actually ive been fighting sleeping since 8:15!!
My body better behave itself n suck it up!! I AIGHT GOING DOWN! I got a life to live so that bone morrow better make more red blood cells and hemoglobin or else ill get furious!!! As if im not furious already, ya iron def anemia can causes aggitations ! Blaaaaaaaah *shoots her bone marrow*

O' wise one

Once again, you impress me one more time.. I admit, you are probably smarter and way wiser than me. I Truely admire you for that.
Thank you for your patience and kindness.

Yours truely

When Love is a burden

To love and be loved, such an amazing feeling. Its this tingling sensation that creeps underneath your skin and tickles your heart when you see them smile, like a refreshing shower on a hot summer day, its the warmth and securety that their embrace brings, its the endless silly late night conversations that gets ur attention, well its prolly their voice that gets ur attention rather than what they say. If you want to know what desire is, look into lovers eyes as they meet, passion in their kiss. No one can ever underestimate the power of love, wars were started and people got killed in the name of love ( de javu?? ) .. But love doesnt always look likr fairy tales or cheesy love movies. Love can be a responsibility, love can toxic and love can be a burden.
Love can indeed be a burden, such a heavt burden. Its when its one sided and its forced on you. Everyone is grateful when they are loved but sometimes it can fireback and hurt both parties.
Imagine knowing some one who falls in love with you and demand your love back.. you get all that attention and love that you never asked for and then a check at the end demanding you to love them the same way... Thats when love becomes a burden.. Thats when things get ugly.. You ask them to stop loving you, coz most of the time, ppl cant control how they feel.. And you cant force yourself to love them back.. Thats such a sad sad situation to be in.. I know that, coz ive been there..
But you know whats even sadder.. When you are the one forcing your love on some one else , even though you"ve been in their shoe before, and not knowing how to stop...
Your pain doubles up; the pain of being rejected and feeling their pain now that uve been in their place before...

Im starting to realize that love and pain co exist together, where there is love, there is pain..
It has been proven in studies that the brain area that gets activated during drugs withdrawal is the same area that gets activated during heart breaking. It has also shows that even emotional/psychological pain activates pain receptors in ur brain n whats more interesting is that taking pain killers like tylenol can sometimes ease off PSYCHOLOGICAL pain..

Emotions are such a complex thing..

the inevitable

what would you do if you saw the inevitable approaching?
would you still fight it ? hoping that you'd buy yourself some time to figure out a way to reverse it?
or would you let go and accept it, live your life to the fullest until its here ..
or will you end yourself before it hits you to end your suffering of anticipating the inevitable ?

i've struggled with myself to make that decision, the biggest part of me wanted me to be wrong, a tiny hope in me was fighting for a chance.. but doubt is such a heavy burden to carry around, it slows you down and confuses you. the quickest way to get defeated, is to rush into the battlefield with doubts that you'll win. and doubt has always been by my side .. half way through, you end up fighting the doubt AND the inevitable .. 2 against 1 .. we all know where this will lead..
plus, can you really stop the inevitable? i could need think of one way to do that .. a miracle .. and i'm no miracle maker...

would you go for euthanasia ? put a mercy bullet through it and end this painful anticipation? will that really end the suffering ? would that really make you feel better ?

or would you live day by day and cross that bridge when you reach it ? but what f you couldn't live day by day, what if the anticipation was getting into your way? what if suffering was part of your everyday !

i dont see a win:win situation here .. fighting made me feel better, because i knew that im trying hard, because i knew i am DOING something.. even when i knew that its futile, i was more than happy to go down trying but when you realize that you are the only one fighting, you cant help but to doubt it all and that drains you out, put you in a state of deliruim and everything seem to be pointless at that point ...

there is always a way.. i just cant seem to find it ..
i'm blinded by anger, hatred, jealousy, pain and MORE anger and i'm started to lose myself in this.
i want this to end ...
i dont want to lose myself again..

Palliative rotation

 

I dont know whats wrong with me, ive been missing my family so bad lately, so bad that it would make me cry, especially dad. Ive been feeling extremely nostalgic and home sick and all i could think about is going home and going fishing with dad. Its so bad that i was seriously considering taking 2 days off of next week and adding it to the weekend and flying to kuwait to spend a day or two with dad :S .. my friends think its the winter blues, we havent seen the sun in toronto for so long now lol, my other friends think its me taking my '' missing-ing '' for some one on dad lol .. hmmm.. wait a second, i just realized something .. im actually Pmsing .. LOL .. now that explains my emotional instability lately .. wow that explains alot .. i was thinking maybe my palliative rotation was gettint into me :S

ohh yeah .. I AM DONE FROM MEDICINE * dances like an idiot* god, HAM O ENZAAAAAA7 !!! wai3 .. wai3 ... WAAAAAI3 !!! no wait, it is NOT wai3. I LOVE medicine and i enjoy LEARNING medicine, but their life style and on call schedule is INSANE!!! I was almost suicidal on that rotation .. so im doing a new rotation and that is palliatuve medicine .. the good side off it, its LIGHTER .. working hours are from 8 am till 5pm, less number of patients, friendlier staff , NO ON CALLS * does another idiot dance * .. BUT .. and its a BIG BUT * lool that made me giggle, god im naughty lol *, back to my but, lol i did it again , ANYWAY, palliative is REALLY depressing .. palliative is the service that gets involved when everyone else fail to help the patient, we are the ones that esnure that the patient is pain free and that they will pass away painlessley .. ill explain more .. so basically other teams call us when they have a patient that they cant fix .. such as terminal cancer, ppl with dementia that are not aware of the surrounding , patients that keeps gettuing hospitalized for the same problem that cant be fixed like bad heart failure or bad kidney disease ... so what happens is their doctors got nothing else to offer and whatever the patient has can not be serevsed so we get involved and start managing the patients pain or psychological distress and follow them until they die ( they usually dont live long now that they are not getting any treatment ) , sometimes they decide to end it in the hospital .. for example, some one with incurable cancer, comes in with a bad infection, so their philosophy is, why treat the infection only to let cancer kill that patient soon after so they DONT treat the infection and give the patient alot of pain killers to make sure he is not in pain and just let the patient die from the infection .. OR say an old lady with dementia and she is not really aware of ppl around her comes in with an infection, they dont give her antibiotic and dont hydrate her and just let her die .. they may give her food but they wont give her IV fluids and usually elderly with infection NEED IV fluids because they get quite sick and oral food/hydration doesnt really help . Ive seen them sedating a couple of patients and they would be sleeping for DAYS with no food or drink till they die ..
WHY? Because they believe in QUALITY OF LIFE .. they thimk by the age of 90, u had a great life and ur life will deteriorate, u wont be able to do the things u used to do, ull be needing assistance in everything, probably u'll be feeling all lonely esp if u outlived all your friends and family so why let your suffering prolong? Say you had a bad heart and you are always admitted for heart failure, they think why are u getting admitted and getting all these expensive medications only for u to be re-admitted shortly after being dicschaged and try tto convince you to sign a paper that says if you feel you are stepping into heart failure, no one should call the ambulance and you should be let home to die ....
i saw family members agreeing to that .. 3AMA EB 3EENKOM, how could you convince your mom or dad to sign such paper !!! HOW COULD YOU AGREE WITH SUCH A THING !!!! this is all cultural shock to me .. this is really common here and patients and their families are okay with it ... im just having hard time accepting such practise ...

it is noble in a way, i mean where the last team to help you, we come in when everyone else gave up on you, we may not fix your ptroblem or prevent death but we will make sure that you wont suffer any

more and ease off your journey to death ...

i just find it really depressing that all my patients are dieing .. and i may be the very last dr to see them. For example, i was asked to see a new patient yesterday, he was in his 80's, had a bad heart attack and his brain was affected by lack of blood so he was pretty drowsy most of the time and unable to stay awake and his heart has sustained a big damage and is enable to pump well and basically without high doses of medication, he will flip into heart failure .. so when i went in to talk to him and take history, HE DIED ON ME !!! can you imagine how scary this was !!!!!!!!!!!!
i have another pt, who is in her early 40s, she has a 1yr old daughter , the patient was diagnosed with cancer that has spread all over her body and she was given 3 months to live ... how depressing is that !!!

i dont know how palliative doctors can do that everyday, im counting the days till the end of this rotation and i hope i will survive it without getting clinical depression :S

2013

 

Its been a while since ive blogged and god i miss it so bad. Basically blogging means thinking so yeah i havent done much thinking lately ..
so to ensure that i wont go MIA again, ive included blogging on my new year resolution .. yep i AM that obsessed i guess, i did make a 2013 resolution after all , lol. But ive added a twist to it, it will impress you lol

so i made a long list as always but this year, i decided to be less perfectionist and more .. human ? Lol, the list was based on a kind and more forgiving approach lol, i'll explain in a bit :P

New Year Resolutions( 2013 )
1. Lose weight and be fit: 67kg
2. sleeveless. Wanna get rid of those chicken wings once and for all
3. kasrhaless, although i was born with it but that doesnt mean im dieing with it lol
4. fix knees and maybe start jogging
5. fix posture
6. start meditation/yoga
7. cooking classes. I want to take my cooking skills into a higher level
8. more photography. I want to inspire people by photos
9. more mindfulness
10. quraan every night
11. memorize quraan. Not the whole quraan of course. It cant be done in one year :S
12. fajer prayer. I want to wake up everyday and pray it on time
13. praying on time , all prayers
14. daily gratitude
15. blog more
16. one book a month ( 5 islamic book ). i lack knowledge about islam and its time to read about it
17. daily work out
18. go to Japan/or india
19. red tafseer el quraan kela and actually understand whats quraan is saying
20 . forget, forgive and move on
21. dance. Ive always imagined myself dancing but never dared to.
22. start learning french or italian.
23. tell family i love you more
24. be kinder and more forgiven to self

25. keep in touch with friends
    26. flying lessons in the summer
    
    
    long list i know and every year, i fail to achieve 60% of the list and i got a plan for this year's resolution. Ill consider it a success if i could check atleast 18 items of that list. The plan is to break it down to MONTHLY GOALS and these monthly classes to be broken to weekly and daily goals ..
    
    for example, when it comes to working out. My goal in january is to ESTABLISH A HABIT, it doesnt matter how long or hard i am training as long as im doing atleast 20min workout everyday . It doesnt matter if it was a dvd, elliptical or just walking around the block. And i broke ir down further to weekly goals, so in week 1, i should workout atleast 3 times a week, week 2, 4 times , week 3, 5 times and week 4, 6 days a week . And ive already made a serious schedule which fitted 2hrs of workout everyday but its starting to get stressful and overwhelming so ill ease it off a bit. I was working hard coz i really wanna tone up for my bro's wedding in march but so far this led to nothing but muscle cramps and sore body which affected my workout the next day . Realisticly speaking, even if i woked out 3hrs a day, i wont have the body i dreamt off by march so ill aim for the summer and take my time working out. The plan is to establish a habit of daily workout in january, establish stamina in feb , add weight training and resistence by march and then maybe start challenging my body . It sounds realistic right ?
    Im doing les mills body combat and although i dont find it as challenging as the biggest loser but ill just use it to build a habit, i was so tempted to switch my workout to something more challenging because i wanted results quicker but im currently practising self restrain and impluse control and most importantly, patience. Gotta tell you, its NOT easy at all.
    As for other goals, i broke em down. Like reading quraan, i started with twice a week in january then 3 times a week in feb and you know, gradually .. again, the aim is to establish a habit too and blogging too, so the aim is to blog atleast once a week for january ( but of course i want more ) and then build it up lol .. you gotta keep in mind, i got a very busy life so these minor tasks might seem so easy to you but trust me, they are not to me .
    
    Alright then, so for january :
    - work out atleast 30min, 4 days a week
    
    - make it to fajer prayer
    - read quraan atleast 2 days a week
    - memorize at least 4 page a month
    
    one book a month
    this is my list ROUGHLY, i might change it .
    
    

	AM	PM	Night
Saturday	Cardio: Elliptical	BC: combat 30 (30m)	Chest and triceps
Sunday	Cardio: Elliptical Zumba optional	BC: hit power (30m)	Abs routine
Monday	Sculpt: Turbo upper	BC: combat 45(45m)	None
Tuesday	Sculpt : turbo abs + 10min trainer	Elliptical	Back and biceps routine
Wednesday	Legs and shoulders routine	BC: HIT plyo(30m)	None , Elliptical if psbl
Thursday	Sculpt: core turbo	BC: 30	None , Elliptical if Psbl
Friday	REST DAY

Thats my working out schedule. AM means 6 am before work, PM means 6pm after work. Night means 10pm before sleep and i realized that its way too much so for the first week, im only doing my AM-PM and im actually trying to find a way to make it only AM .. because im usually really tired after work and when i excercise, i end up extremely fatigued and cant study anymore and thats bad ... so im trying to do body combat as cardio in AM and maybe do targeted turbofire and forget about those routine workouts. I dont mind adding elliptical in PM, its only 20min and i usually watch anime while working out and it doesnt tire me that much .. anyway im still experimenting witb the workout and trying to focus on establishing a habit ( gotta keep reminding myself of that ) :P