positive shift

Positive shift !

Never underestimate mindfulness. Its amazing and mind blowing when you are able to catch yourself dwelling in negativity and then be able to switch it to a more positive attitude by being mindful. Its an exhilarating feeling as if now you are dealing with a completely new situation.

Ive traveled all the way to Yellowknife to see the auroras. I couldn't used this vacation to do other things that are guaranteed to make me have fun but i chose to gamble and pay all this money to come here hoping that id see the real beauty of northern lights ..

ive spent 3 nights here with no luck and tonight is my last night and it doesn't look promising at all. The weather is bit, its snowing and pretty cloudy add to that that the auroras are not so active tonight so ive made peace with the fact that i may return to Toronto without seeing it ..

i was feeling really sad this morning, cursing my luck and just i was really feeling down.

But i kinda managed to take a step back and revisit the whole trip and i realized that :

although i havent seen the auroras but :

1. ive spent my long weekend outside Toronto which is always a good thing.
   2. i made so many friends from different countries in yellow knife
   3. ive been to a new province and a new city that most Canadians havent even visited
2. now i know how the true Canadian winter feels. Ive felt how -40 feels like .
   4. i know the pain of having a frostbite
   5. i was introduced to MAPLE BUTTER !! omg !!! these Canadians add maple syrup to everything and boy oh boy maple butter is something else ! I could eat it with a spoon lol its such a treat
   6. ive tried real winter things: dog sledding, ice fishing
   7. IVE BEEN IN A REAL IGLOO !! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT !! A REAL IGLOO !!!! checks it out of my bucket list
   8. ive been to a new airport ( calgary )
   9. i learnt how to gear up for winter ( the hard way lol )
   
   it is true that i havent fulfilled the whole purpose of this trip and it is true that ive spent alot of money on that and i guess its easy to feel disappointed and to consider the whole thing as a failure but there is always a positive side to everything. there’s always a gain when there’s a loss. Theres always something good happening despite the chaos around us.
   Yes i havent seen the auroras, yes im financially compromised, yes my trip partner is a disaster , yes i was not able to give myself the auroras as a valentine gift but ive done something now, ive challenged myself and made a progress. And by typing this, i guess im getting more flexible mentally and hopefully with more positive attitude.
   I guess the positive side of not seeing the auroras this time is that now i have an excuse to go to Iceland or Norway for another auroras hunt :P

We come to life with our expectations and our own agendas but no one can tame life and no one can control the outcomes of our decisions. And this can easily feel like a failure and you can easily be disappointed when things dont go your way but remember, YOUR way is NOT the only way and it doesnt matter where you end up in as long as you made it somewhere .

Being positive feels differently and definitely doesnt feel like myself but the truth is, it feels GOOD !! exactly my point, if its not my way ( myself ), it doesnt mean that its bad.

Let go and let life steer you around and you’ll be surprised about how exciting it is.

To belong

What drives you? Passion? Anger? Fear?

Being in one of the world's busiest subway system in a rush hour made me realize something. 

It was around 5pm in one of new york city subways.. It was literally packed and we were on the subway for atleast an hour! So many people jumped in and out! Ppl from different ethnic backgrounds and ages.

What caught my attention was a young black guy, prolly in his mid 20's, wearing a hoodie covering his head, headphones on and had alot of those rubberbands around his wrist, like the live strong ones..

Another guy that got my attention was prolly some one a bit older, wearing a black hoodie, a baseball cap and he had a tattoo all over his body..

Little things that we take for granted when we look at others.. Accessories.. Outfits and even attitudes that ppl adapt in order to be accepted by others.. I think the fear and pain of being alone is one of the biggest drives.

Everyone wants to belong to some one or somewhere.. People do crazy stuff in order to impress others to be accepted. People work their life off in order to make a certain income to belong to a certain social group. People try to live by the rules of the community to avoid being shun. 

People change in order to be accepted by others. We cant deny our need for belonging and our fear of being alone. I bet all of us had to go through amd endure things in order to belong somewhere .

I personally had to rip my own skin off me and became something that ive always feared n resented in order to be accepted. broke every single rule n principle of mine because i was so afraid of being alone. Ive became something that i'm not, only to belong to some one/something/somewhere..

Everyone is afraid of being stranded and lonely..  

What have you given away or endured to avoid being alone n to belong to something?

Mindful : Cussing

I was in a standup comedy yesterday and though it was hilarious and i laughed my tears were running and my tummy was hurting me but i noticed something, alot of people cuss and swear and they think thats funny .. also i noticed alot of teenagers and even adults here in canada ( physicians ) who swear a lot and they think it makes them cool.. so you are telling me a story about your visit to the mall, u werent pissed off at anything, why would you throw in some fs every now and then !
 '' yeah that was the shit '' .. seriously ? thats how you describe a good cool thing ? the shit ? how could that make any sense ?

hey i am no mama theresea here okay ? I cuss too, i use the F word when i am REALLY angry and i use shxt instead of '' !!! '' alot . i never realised that until dad called me the other day and he told me that reema ( my baby sis, well not so baby anymore ) has picked it up from me and now she says shxt all the time ! that really made me feel bad ..

i am trying to be mindful about the words i use ad stuff, its a big part of the canadian culture here .. you cant ask any question unless you have a good reason to do so so i am getting better and better at being mindful when i talk to people and i think its about time to be mindful about my own words too ..

i think cussing and swearing doesnt make you feel good and degrading in a way. i know that i use the F word intentionally to show the person infront of me that i am seriously angry since i dont cuss a lot but i guess there are other ways to deliver the same msg without degrading myself ..

this is going to be quite challenging esp with the Shxt coz it comes out as part of my reaction, its a habit and a reflex so .. wont be so easy

My Escape

For years now, Ive been wanting to run away so bad. wanted to go on a retreat . to find myself once again. ive wanted to connect every connection i had with the world and with myself and disappear somewhere. i wanted to change. there were so many things about me that i hated and wanted to change . i guess part of me wanted to surprise and impress people hence disappearing instead of changing infront of them .

anyhow, i think ive hit rock bottom and i know i did for sometime now but the fact that im still there is frightening me. do you know how it feels to have no control over your feelings and reactions? to hear yourself say all these nasty stuff and all you could think of is biting your tongue so hard, or to see yourself turning into something you just cant stand.. it is quite scary i tell you .. to realise that you are losing yourself .. you are losing everything you worked for .. 
i am pretty proud of who i am .. i have no problem bragging about myself .. call me a snob or call me kuwaiti, i dont care. ive been through a lot and i earned it .. i earned the right to walk proud, i earned the right to think highly of myself . i worked really hard to be who i am and where i am today. ive invested everything in me and the thought of losing that scares the hell out of me ..  it took me 27 years to be what i am today and i cant lose it now. 
ive been having this battle instead, between what i am and what i want to do and what i should be and what i should be doing. it sucks okay. it really sucks .. 

anyway the point here is that, ive decided to go on that retreat .. i am somehow in that retreat already. i am away from everyone i know .. i am isolated .. now i have to fight my battles without dragging people in ..
now that anyone actually reads my blog but i apologise in advance if i was found to be distant . 
i am going on a retreat and i will find myself once again, if not, then ill create a better version of me.
id rather be dead than live my life being the person i am today.





 

the inevitable

what would you do if you saw the inevitable approaching?
would you still fight it ? hoping that you'd buy yourself some time to figure out a way to reverse it?
or would you let go and accept it, live your life to the fullest until its here ..
or will you end yourself before it hits you to end your suffering of anticipating the inevitable ?

i've struggled with myself to make that decision, the biggest part of me wanted me to be wrong, a tiny hope in me was fighting for a chance.. but doubt is such a heavy burden to carry around, it slows you down and confuses you. the quickest way to get defeated, is to rush into the battlefield with doubts that you'll win. and doubt has always been by my side .. half way through, you end up fighting the doubt AND the inevitable .. 2 against 1 .. we all know where this will lead..
plus, can you really stop the inevitable? i could need think of one way to do that .. a miracle .. and i'm no miracle maker...

would you go for euthanasia ? put a mercy bullet through it and end this painful anticipation? will that really end the suffering ? would that really make you feel better ?

or would you live day by day and cross that bridge when you reach it ? but what f you couldn't live day by day, what if the anticipation was getting into your way? what if suffering was part of your everyday !

i dont see a win:win situation here .. fighting made me feel better, because i knew that im trying hard, because i knew i am DOING something.. even when i knew that its futile, i was more than happy to go down trying but when you realize that you are the only one fighting, you cant help but to doubt it all and that drains you out, put you in a state of deliruim and everything seem to be pointless at that point ...

there is always a way.. i just cant seem to find it ..
i'm blinded by anger, hatred, jealousy, pain and MORE anger and i'm started to lose myself in this.
i want this to end ...
i dont want to lose myself again..

in a dark place

ive been in this dark place way too long ...
ive been feeling like a mess .. ive been too impulsive, cant control my anger and been so insecure. im trying to recall when is the last time ive felt okay ... i think that was 3 yrs ago .. when i was still in med school .. my only explanation is, that i was too busy to think about anything else but my studies .. after graduation, i thought its time to take care of myself and i guess thats when hell broke loose .. i think i took it too seriously that i started finding defects in every aspect of my life .. and then came the obsession of being perfect ...
then i did psychiatry and started psychoanalyzing myself .. and finding disorders in my thinking ..
ahhhhhh *bangs head on keyboard *
i need to step back, take life less seriously.. loosen up more .. bring back the old carefree person in me ..
the keyword is: CARE FREE .. sob7an allah .. it seems so easy and simple .. i mean, whats easier than NOT CARING AT ALL .. yet to me, it seems so hard and almost impossible :s

running away

you keep on running away ..
I cant blame you.. you've been hurt so many times .. by so many people ..
I've always thought I could be the one, the one who make all that pain go away ..
but it seems that ive only made things worse for you ..
I had a feeling that you will eventually run away,
I was hoping you'd run back to me ..
if not,
I wish you a safe journey,
and I hope you find yourself somewhere safe and warm,
somewhere you can call home.