me

Hello,

this is where i retire at night. i wrap myself up and shut the world off. its funny how big my bed is, yet im always sleeping on my side .. i think i need to invest more time in this place ..

can you see that little world map next to my bed? this is my dream up there ..

this is my kingdom . i love how sunny this place can be with all the high windows .. sadly winter is coming so less sunshine and probably this place will turn into an ice cube . can you see that paige sofa? this is where i sleep on the weekends. not because its super comfty but also because it reminds me of home for some reason. so everytime im home sick, i end up sleeping there ..

this is where i have my daily battle .. my thoughts seem to get out of control everytime im sitting on this table. my brain cells will do anything but study. atleast i try,and you can see the evidence of my failed attempts.

this is baby K, a very special gift from a special person. this is the beginning of a great adventure and an athletic life.

this is my playground. this is where i spent most of my time if i was home. food and cooking is such a passion for me. curently, im focusing on creating healthy clean food.

this is my view. its a beautiful west view of the city

more like 1 million dollar view, dont u think so :). you can see the CN tower at the back 

i got another view of the valley .. too bad that its a bad picture, you couldve seen the leaf changes there 

this is where i live. such a high fancy tower. too bad, people here are not so friendly. this is my place for now, im planning to move out in may .. yes AGAIN. 

this is my neighbourhood/ fereej .. not the best place ever. i got a shelter next door, a strip club and a marijuina store around the corner . hmmmm

my most likely way of transport .

 thats a little map on top of the door, of all the destination that you can go to by the subway.

so this is me .. and this is my life ..

PGY1 IS OVER !

FINALLY ! the exam is over, PGY1 is almost over, my move is done and everything is starting to settle in. i have to say that ive been on the GO mode since april and it sucked! actually, maybe from march. i remember back in march, i was looking for an apartment plus looking for a dress for my brother's wedding which was stressful then i went home and came back and was looking for a place and preparing for the end of the year exam then things got intensified as the exam and move date were approaching. there was the the apartment hunt, the furniture shopping, the packing, the move, the unpacking plus preparing for that freaking exam.june 12th was the day of salvation to me lol and i cant believe its all done. im still damaged ( gained weight due to poor diet and lack of exercise , poor skin, acne and hair loss due to stress and i feel mentally burnt out ) but im glad its all over.
i spent the 12th shopping and then the 13th cleaning my place and today,  i called in sick because i feel totally exhausted. plus i got a train to catch to meet some one special. i feel like im still on that GO mode, blaaah.

it scares me everytime im on that GO mode because i can feel like things are getting out of control and i could see me abusing myself and it hurts a lot not being able to care for your own self.
everytime i look at the mirror and see the acne, the poor skin condition, see that fat on top of the muscles i built, i really feel sad. i gave away my health for school and grades.. whats the use of good grades if i wasnt healthy .. i noticed that.. i tend to throw everything out of the window when it comes to school performance and IT MAKES NO SENSE . i really need to re establish a balance in my life .

speaking of shool and balance, PGY2 which starting to july is going to be tough. i heard its extremely stressful and it requires alot of studying ! ( baleen wain ana al7een alqa my balance :S ) . the reason why its stressful, is because ill be doing regular psychiatry care PLUS THERAPY and ill be assigned patients since DAY ONE. ya3ni no time to prepare! so since we got responsibilities already, the residents will end up having to reach themselves everything. ya3ni, i could get assigned with a schizophrenic patient before we get to cover schizophrenia in a lecture and since im the most responsible care giver, i should make sure that i know what im doing.  i do have the basic psychiatry knowledge but whats challenging is my THERAPY patients. i know a little bit because i love reading about it but i think its not fair to patients to sit with a resident, poor their heart out when the resident is completely clueless about what to do with that very personal information if you know what i mean. i heard it has longer workng hours, couple of exams and ill need to prepare for a presentation infront of ALL THE people working in my hospital . find my balance eh ? lol

no but seriously, i can't kill myself like this. there gotta be a way .. i gotta find an end for this.
i know i said that too many times but i gotta commit to it !

judgemental

funny how you can never please everyone ..

when i was in kuwait, when i was a kid , our parents and the society has implanted a set of beliefs in us .. beliefs and principles like respecting the elderly, submitting to the parents orders , and that its wrong to have a boyfriend , that you can never question your islam or god , that women who smoke are bad women, that people will look down on me if i jogged or cycled in public .. so many ideas were inserted in our brains .. i remember asking dad about things that didnt make sense to me in quraan or in islam and he would be telling me that god made our thinking so limited thus these things will never make sense and we have to obey them , i remember times when i discovered that some friends of mine who are good people and very respectful, were smokers and i was so confused .. how could that girl be a good girl when we were taught that a girl who smokes is a bad one .. ahhh .. so many stories to be told here about how confused i was when things like these happened ..
but somehow, i managed to grew out of these beliefs .. i learned how to make my own judgements .. it wasnt easy at the beginning and i had to force my mind open to accept all these differences ... it took me years to have the open mind that i have today and guess what? its not open enough yet but definitely, im less judgmental and more accepting for others now. i knew that this is the right thing to do. i knew that no one has the right to judge others . i knew that whats right and wrong is 100% subjective thus no one can force their opinion on others and i embraced that fact.

then i came here to canada where everyone has the right to be what they want to be. people dont gossip or stare here .. you are entitled to do whatever you want, to dress the way you want or speak out loud your opinion in the middle of dundas square. the freedom here is unlimited. i was shocked when i discovered that the reality is different. people may not voice OUT their opinion but they do judge here .. because this place is so multi cultural, people are categorized and are JUDGED . thats why you would see them all grouped up .. indians would hang out with indians, asians will be having their own neighborhood and their own social group, arabs are clustered together.
not only that.. because of all the differences, people tend to sometimes to question you.. question your religion, your belief  and values and even question your choice of clothes ..

its funny how ive been questioned so many times .. and what kills me is, ive been questioned by people with similar background ! they have questioned my religion.. questioned my beliefs.. not only questioned but tried to force their opinion on me ..
i understand that you feel lthat living in canada is so liberating now that you dont have to '' follow '' what the society made you follow back home and you know what? IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. but just because you reached to a conclusion that our religion or even traditions are so wrong, limiting and unfair, it doesnt mean that you should try to '' free '' others .
you may want to share '' the truth '' with me .. fair enough .. but dont force it on me .. dont tell me that what im doing is wrong and that im brain washed .. if you are trying to help me, i appreciate it. just tell me the facts and let me make my own decision ..
ahhh it really pisses me off !!! having to learn to keep an open mind and then coming to a country where i presumed that everyone is open minded but then bang, you end up realizing that the people here are not as accepting as you thought and that you are the only open minded person around here ..

growing up

i wonder why does growing up has to be painful and hard ? its funny how we always wanted to grow up when we were kids and i dont recall it ever to be that painful ? but it seems now that we are older, you gotta go through some hardship and pain to grow up, to be wiser and more mature .. does that make that kind of pain a good pain? i mean, i do know what good pain feels like.. its the pain i get when i work out.. its hard and painful but if you see me doing a hard workout, you will see me smiling and giggling like an idiot !!! i do really smile and giggle when im doing a challenging workout, i enjoy it and i can sense results while doing it .. but then, why does growing up pain upset me ? it does .. even when i know that this is going to do me good later on .. it does get me, it does make me feel low and bad .. even when i know its for the best .. i wonder if its because i think there are other ways to do that other than this painful way? when i workout, i know that there is no way that you would get better fitness unless you are physically challenged so i take it with open arms but with other life issues, it seems that it upsets me even when i know that eventually it will do me good, because i think there are other ways to gain that goodness other than this painful way .. maybe..

since i came from kuwait, a month ago, and ive been in this constant anxious stressed out state .. i have an exam in june that i havent prepared for, i have to move out of my apartment by the end of the month and im struggling to find one, im home sick , ive started a stressful rotation, i was offered to put on medications once again .. ive been extremely stressed out because i had so many things to deal with all of a sudden ..

1. exam: my exam is on june 12th and it includes all the lectures that we had ( total of 50 ) that i havent read before . since my memory been failing me .. ive been struggling to finish one lecture a day and thats making me really anxious. on the other hand, this exam is NOT graded. its one of those evaluation exams and basically you cant fail it . if you fail it, you will be having a meeting with the program director and thats it . i dont know why im stressing out on that exam .. sigh ...

2. apartment hunt: yes i am to be blamed for making it such a stressful experience. ive been extremely picky and that wasnt helpful .. ive been looking for an apartment in the same area im in right now .. you can see the attached map. i live where the middle cursor is ( bay and grosvenor st ) , my work is where the lower cursor is .. usually it takes 8-12min to walk to work, you can see around my work i got 2 subway stations; college and queen's park and i got alot of things around me actually including my bank, dentist, dr, friends and its located centrally in downtown . im moving out to charles and yonge st and its the cursor on top.. it will take me about 25-35 min to walk to work now which can be a problem if it was snowing or raining .. charles is near the fancy places in downtown ( blood st ) but also its near jarvis street ( where all the homeless and drug dealers live ) , i do have a subway station near me and that is bloor but i hate it coz its a major sub way station and its EXTREMELY busy and alot of pick pocketing happens there ..
so it took me forever to make up my mind .. i wanted to stick to my building but i couldnt find an apartment there and i was okay with any other buildings within this area but the problem is, there are alot of high towers here and its hard to find an apartment with unobstructed view here .. why do i need an obstructed view ? 1. for privacy reasons, i dont want to have to wear hijab all the time. 2. because i need sunlights in my place .. you may think im being really dalo3a but im telling you, these things are ESSENTIAL !! so anyway, i couldnt find such an apartment here and i had to go to charles because its one those new fancy high building and the view is BREATH TAKING !! ( ill show you pictures once i move in ) .. but i hate how sketchy my neighbor is .. i got a shelter and a strip club next door and ITS REALLY EXPENSIVE !! the rent is really high .. so i had to say yes, because i need to leave this place in 2 weeks and i havent found anything else.
it will be a new experience .. alot of people that im going to encounter in my building should be rich fancy ones , dealing with the homeless outside my building should be a learning experience , getting to know my way through bloor and yorkville will be great in a way i guess .. and now that more than half of my salary is spent on the rent, that will teach me how to watch my spending and not take things for granted lol .. but it stresses me out the fact that i know ill be moving out again next year.. and it wont be as easy as this one since the apartment im in is already furnished so i dont have to carry alot of things with me when i move out but next year moving out should be even more stressful since i;ll be carrying all the furniture with me :(

i cant wait till june the 13th .. ill be done with my exam and done with the moving in process and maybe ill be at peace once again ...

Review; Fresh

review of fresh: vegan restaurant in toronto is now on my tumblr

when home means pain..

in less than 3 weeks, ill be home and god you have no idea how much i missed my family and how bad i wanted to go home until lately ...
it seems that this vacation has come at the wrongest time .. ive been feeling really stressed lately because alot is happening right now ..
so my apartment lease is about to expire and the agent has asked me if i wanted to renew the lease or not.. im supposed to leave my apartment by may 1st but i cant seem to find a good replacement .. i love this apartment so much that im so afraid of giving it up .. but i need a bigger place, pet friendly and a place where i can furnish it the way i want ( i live in a furnished apartment ) but im in love with my view and the amount of sunshine that comes into my place and this is rare in downtown due to all these high buildings around .. so the agent been calling me and nagging on me to make a decision, i need to let him know by monday if im leaving or not and so far, ive seen a couple of other apartment but none is as good as mine so this has been stressful to me.
the other issue is my visa issue .. i still have no visa and if i leave canada, i wont be able to come back .. i was asked to mail my passport earlier this month to issue the visa but i didn't, i was so scared that it will take a long time ( average is 4 weeks ) and then i wont be able to go home because im passport-less now .. so im taking a risk here and gambling by doing it when i go back to kuwait .. usually it takes 14 days .. so the moment i land into kuwait, ill mail my passport thru fedex in the airport and hopefully get it back before my vacation ends ( will be tricky since im only staying in kuwait for 12 days ) .. i heard stories about people who ended up being stuck in their country for MONTHS .. due to visa issues :s ..
thing is, when i come back with my new visa, i still have a couple of issues to manage too.. alot of places need a copy of my new visa so i might not be able to resume work until i update them with my new visa .
speaking of vacation, i havent submitted my vacation request yet . ive contacted the dr responsible and she hasnt replied yet .. what the hell am i supposed to do? ive already booked my ticket anyway.
and then theres the wedding which is really stressing me out .. i cant seem to find a decent dress here and i dont know if ill be able to find a dress in kuwait, ill arrive on 30th of march and the wedding is on 4th of april .. i got only 3 days to shop .. that sounds really risky.. and im so frustrated by the fact that i havent lost weight or toned my body for the wedding ..
add to that that im currently PMSing lol .. damn, i really noticed that i can get really emotional and easily irritated when im PMSing .. i mean, i don't memorise my period dates so yesterday i noticed that i was extremely emotional and irritated and i felt that i was really being dramatic so i wondered if im PMSing and  took a look at my period app and it turns out that im pmsing INDEED lol
and my old drama still continues .. and we are getting tangled even more  and its getting more and more complicated everyday and its making me not wanna go home ...
im dreading going home .. im dreading going back to find emptiness where my world used to be . ive made plans to keep myself extremely busy and occupied with other stuff but i know that these memorise will hunt me and eventually get me ...

yeah .. going home right now does not seem like the best decision with all of this going on right now ..

eating clean .

wow the concept of eating clean has started to blow my mind .. i never thought *i* would fall into that but i did lol .. i dont know if i feel healthier, lighter, skinner or even more energetic like everyone else who is eating clean but I'm definitely excited about cooking clean lol .. i love how creative clean eating is, how they replace ingredients with healthier ones .. ITS AMAZING ! maybe thats why im so interested in it .. for the cooking part rather than the health aspect lol...
so ive made alot of discoveries , recipe-wise, lol and id say my favourite one is KALE CHIPS .. i feel EXTREMELY SORRY for those who are not familiar with kale chips or never tried em .. oh my god .. its heaven's sent .. ITS SO DAMN GOOD .. yet healthy !! im not even a fan of chips in general and to me, kale chips is DESSERTS!! if i wanted to spoil myself, i make me kale chips.. they are THAT GOOD !!

so ive been experimenting alot and i realised whats even cooler than clean eating is VEGAN FOOD !! there s SOOO MUCH CREATIVITY in it .. like .. SO MUCH !! no im not turning vegan or vegetarian but my diet has been mainly vegetarian lately because of all the new cool recipes that i found lol .. plus its way easier , quicker and less fattening .. so ive been cooking alot lately .. today, i worked with quinoa. i surprised myself with the dessert ..ive always read about desserts made of whey protien but never really thought about doing em because whey protien was NOT made to be part of desserts .. so ive always dismissed these recipes .. but today, i was feeling crappy and i know myself .. when im crappy, i eat .. i eat ALOT .. and i know that eventually, ill be hunting for something sweet and i didnt want to reach for that dark chocolate bar that ive hid ( from myself ) so i decided to make something healthier .. so i made .. PROTIEN PUDDING !! and gues what! IT TASTED SOOOOO GOOD !!! i used my peanut butter chocolate whey protein with almond milk ( i stopped drinking regular milk due to my lactose intolerance ) and added a spoon of peanut butter ( can never have enough of peanut butter ) with gelatin and oh.. my .. god .. it tasted like any other chocolate pudding from grocery stores ONLY HEALTHIER .. it had up to 32g of protiens ( vs 38g in 8oz steak ) and 1g of sugar !!!!! could it even be better than this?

its been amazing cooking day .. im really thinking about getting a degree in cooking .. maybe join culinary school part time since i really enjoy cooking .. and then i wouldnt have to eat a lot. because the more i cook here, the more i eat and i dont want that .. but if i was in class, ill prolly have the option not to eat the food i cooked lol

anyway, ive also made a tumblr ( you can shoot me now ) for my food pictures .. i know alot of people been complaining about how my life revolves around food and its been getting on my nerves so i decided to make a tumblr and just post my food adventures there .. ill try to post recipes there too so i can use this as a online source for my recipes

healthomania.tumblr.com