judgemental

funny how you can never please everyone ..

when i was in kuwait, when i was a kid , our parents and the society has implanted a set of beliefs in us .. beliefs and principles like respecting the elderly, submitting to the parents orders , and that its wrong to have a boyfriend , that you can never question your islam or god , that women who smoke are bad women, that people will look down on me if i jogged or cycled in public .. so many ideas were inserted in our brains .. i remember asking dad about things that didnt make sense to me in quraan or in islam and he would be telling me that god made our thinking so limited thus these things will never make sense and we have to obey them , i remember times when i discovered that some friends of mine who are good people and very respectful, were smokers and i was so confused .. how could that girl be a good girl when we were taught that a girl who smokes is a bad one .. ahhh .. so many stories to be told here about how confused i was when things like these happened ..
but somehow, i managed to grew out of these beliefs .. i learned how to make my own judgements .. it wasnt easy at the beginning and i had to force my mind open to accept all these differences ... it took me years to have the open mind that i have today and guess what? its not open enough yet but definitely, im less judgmental and more accepting for others now. i knew that this is the right thing to do. i knew that no one has the right to judge others . i knew that whats right and wrong is 100% subjective thus no one can force their opinion on others and i embraced that fact.

then i came here to canada where everyone has the right to be what they want to be. people dont gossip or stare here .. you are entitled to do whatever you want, to dress the way you want or speak out loud your opinion in the middle of dundas square. the freedom here is unlimited. i was shocked when i discovered that the reality is different. people may not voice OUT their opinion but they do judge here .. because this place is so multi cultural, people are categorized and are JUDGED . thats why you would see them all grouped up .. indians would hang out with indians, asians will be having their own neighborhood and their own social group, arabs are clustered together.
not only that.. because of all the differences, people tend to sometimes to question you.. question your religion, your belief  and values and even question your choice of clothes ..

its funny how ive been questioned so many times .. and what kills me is, ive been questioned by people with similar background ! they have questioned my religion.. questioned my beliefs.. not only questioned but tried to force their opinion on me ..
i understand that you feel lthat living in canada is so liberating now that you dont have to '' follow '' what the society made you follow back home and you know what? IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. but just because you reached to a conclusion that our religion or even traditions are so wrong, limiting and unfair, it doesnt mean that you should try to '' free '' others .
you may want to share '' the truth '' with me .. fair enough .. but dont force it on me .. dont tell me that what im doing is wrong and that im brain washed .. if you are trying to help me, i appreciate it. just tell me the facts and let me make my own decision ..
ahhh it really pisses me off !!! having to learn to keep an open mind and then coming to a country where i presumed that everyone is open minded but then bang, you end up realizing that the people here are not as accepting as you thought and that you are the only open minded person around here ..

growing up

i wonder why does growing up has to be painful and hard ? its funny how we always wanted to grow up when we were kids and i dont recall it ever to be that painful ? but it seems now that we are older, you gotta go through some hardship and pain to grow up, to be wiser and more mature .. does that make that kind of pain a good pain? i mean, i do know what good pain feels like.. its the pain i get when i work out.. its hard and painful but if you see me doing a hard workout, you will see me smiling and giggling like an idiot !!! i do really smile and giggle when im doing a challenging workout, i enjoy it and i can sense results while doing it .. but then, why does growing up pain upset me ? it does .. even when i know that this is going to do me good later on .. it does get me, it does make me feel low and bad .. even when i know its for the best .. i wonder if its because i think there are other ways to do that other than this painful way? when i workout, i know that there is no way that you would get better fitness unless you are physically challenged so i take it with open arms but with other life issues, it seems that it upsets me even when i know that eventually it will do me good, because i think there are other ways to gain that goodness other than this painful way .. maybe..

since i came from kuwait, a month ago, and ive been in this constant anxious stressed out state .. i have an exam in june that i havent prepared for, i have to move out of my apartment by the end of the month and im struggling to find one, im home sick , ive started a stressful rotation, i was offered to put on medications once again .. ive been extremely stressed out because i had so many things to deal with all of a sudden ..

1. exam: my exam is on june 12th and it includes all the lectures that we had ( total of 50 ) that i havent read before . since my memory been failing me .. ive been struggling to finish one lecture a day and thats making me really anxious. on the other hand, this exam is NOT graded. its one of those evaluation exams and basically you cant fail it . if you fail it, you will be having a meeting with the program director and thats it . i dont know why im stressing out on that exam .. sigh ...

2. apartment hunt: yes i am to be blamed for making it such a stressful experience. ive been extremely picky and that wasnt helpful .. ive been looking for an apartment in the same area im in right now .. you can see the attached map. i live where the middle cursor is ( bay and grosvenor st ) , my work is where the lower cursor is .. usually it takes 8-12min to walk to work, you can see around my work i got 2 subway stations; college and queen's park and i got alot of things around me actually including my bank, dentist, dr, friends and its located centrally in downtown . im moving out to charles and yonge st and its the cursor on top.. it will take me about 25-35 min to walk to work now which can be a problem if it was snowing or raining .. charles is near the fancy places in downtown ( blood st ) but also its near jarvis street ( where all the homeless and drug dealers live ) , i do have a subway station near me and that is bloor but i hate it coz its a major sub way station and its EXTREMELY busy and alot of pick pocketing happens there ..
so it took me forever to make up my mind .. i wanted to stick to my building but i couldnt find an apartment there and i was okay with any other buildings within this area but the problem is, there are alot of high towers here and its hard to find an apartment with unobstructed view here .. why do i need an obstructed view ? 1. for privacy reasons, i dont want to have to wear hijab all the time. 2. because i need sunlights in my place .. you may think im being really dalo3a but im telling you, these things are ESSENTIAL !! so anyway, i couldnt find such an apartment here and i had to go to charles because its one those new fancy high building and the view is BREATH TAKING !! ( ill show you pictures once i move in ) .. but i hate how sketchy my neighbor is .. i got a shelter and a strip club next door and ITS REALLY EXPENSIVE !! the rent is really high .. so i had to say yes, because i need to leave this place in 2 weeks and i havent found anything else.
it will be a new experience .. alot of people that im going to encounter in my building should be rich fancy ones , dealing with the homeless outside my building should be a learning experience , getting to know my way through bloor and yorkville will be great in a way i guess .. and now that more than half of my salary is spent on the rent, that will teach me how to watch my spending and not take things for granted lol .. but it stresses me out the fact that i know ill be moving out again next year.. and it wont be as easy as this one since the apartment im in is already furnished so i dont have to carry alot of things with me when i move out but next year moving out should be even more stressful since i;ll be carrying all the furniture with me :(

i cant wait till june the 13th .. ill be done with my exam and done with the moving in process and maybe ill be at peace once again ...

Review; Fresh

review of fresh: vegan restaurant in toronto is now on my tumblr

when home means pain..

in less than 3 weeks, ill be home and god you have no idea how much i missed my family and how bad i wanted to go home until lately ...
it seems that this vacation has come at the wrongest time .. ive been feeling really stressed lately because alot is happening right now ..
so my apartment lease is about to expire and the agent has asked me if i wanted to renew the lease or not.. im supposed to leave my apartment by may 1st but i cant seem to find a good replacement .. i love this apartment so much that im so afraid of giving it up .. but i need a bigger place, pet friendly and a place where i can furnish it the way i want ( i live in a furnished apartment ) but im in love with my view and the amount of sunshine that comes into my place and this is rare in downtown due to all these high buildings around .. so the agent been calling me and nagging on me to make a decision, i need to let him know by monday if im leaving or not and so far, ive seen a couple of other apartment but none is as good as mine so this has been stressful to me.
the other issue is my visa issue .. i still have no visa and if i leave canada, i wont be able to come back .. i was asked to mail my passport earlier this month to issue the visa but i didn't, i was so scared that it will take a long time ( average is 4 weeks ) and then i wont be able to go home because im passport-less now .. so im taking a risk here and gambling by doing it when i go back to kuwait .. usually it takes 14 days .. so the moment i land into kuwait, ill mail my passport thru fedex in the airport and hopefully get it back before my vacation ends ( will be tricky since im only staying in kuwait for 12 days ) .. i heard stories about people who ended up being stuck in their country for MONTHS .. due to visa issues :s ..
thing is, when i come back with my new visa, i still have a couple of issues to manage too.. alot of places need a copy of my new visa so i might not be able to resume work until i update them with my new visa .
speaking of vacation, i havent submitted my vacation request yet . ive contacted the dr responsible and she hasnt replied yet .. what the hell am i supposed to do? ive already booked my ticket anyway.
and then theres the wedding which is really stressing me out .. i cant seem to find a decent dress here and i dont know if ill be able to find a dress in kuwait, ill arrive on 30th of march and the wedding is on 4th of april .. i got only 3 days to shop .. that sounds really risky.. and im so frustrated by the fact that i havent lost weight or toned my body for the wedding ..
add to that that im currently PMSing lol .. damn, i really noticed that i can get really emotional and easily irritated when im PMSing .. i mean, i don't memorise my period dates so yesterday i noticed that i was extremely emotional and irritated and i felt that i was really being dramatic so i wondered if im PMSing and  took a look at my period app and it turns out that im pmsing INDEED lol
and my old drama still continues .. and we are getting tangled even more  and its getting more and more complicated everyday and its making me not wanna go home ...
im dreading going home .. im dreading going back to find emptiness where my world used to be . ive made plans to keep myself extremely busy and occupied with other stuff but i know that these memorise will hunt me and eventually get me ...

yeah .. going home right now does not seem like the best decision with all of this going on right now ..

eating clean .

wow the concept of eating clean has started to blow my mind .. i never thought *i* would fall into that but i did lol .. i dont know if i feel healthier, lighter, skinner or even more energetic like everyone else who is eating clean but I'm definitely excited about cooking clean lol .. i love how creative clean eating is, how they replace ingredients with healthier ones .. ITS AMAZING ! maybe thats why im so interested in it .. for the cooking part rather than the health aspect lol...
so ive made alot of discoveries , recipe-wise, lol and id say my favourite one is KALE CHIPS .. i feel EXTREMELY SORRY for those who are not familiar with kale chips or never tried em .. oh my god .. its heaven's sent .. ITS SO DAMN GOOD .. yet healthy !! im not even a fan of chips in general and to me, kale chips is DESSERTS!! if i wanted to spoil myself, i make me kale chips.. they are THAT GOOD !!

so ive been experimenting alot and i realised whats even cooler than clean eating is VEGAN FOOD !! there s SOOO MUCH CREATIVITY in it .. like .. SO MUCH !! no im not turning vegan or vegetarian but my diet has been mainly vegetarian lately because of all the new cool recipes that i found lol .. plus its way easier , quicker and less fattening .. so ive been cooking alot lately .. today, i worked with quinoa. i surprised myself with the dessert ..ive always read about desserts made of whey protien but never really thought about doing em because whey protien was NOT made to be part of desserts .. so ive always dismissed these recipes .. but today, i was feeling crappy and i know myself .. when im crappy, i eat .. i eat ALOT .. and i know that eventually, ill be hunting for something sweet and i didnt want to reach for that dark chocolate bar that ive hid ( from myself ) so i decided to make something healthier .. so i made .. PROTIEN PUDDING !! and gues what! IT TASTED SOOOOO GOOD !!! i used my peanut butter chocolate whey protein with almond milk ( i stopped drinking regular milk due to my lactose intolerance ) and added a spoon of peanut butter ( can never have enough of peanut butter ) with gelatin and oh.. my .. god .. it tasted like any other chocolate pudding from grocery stores ONLY HEALTHIER .. it had up to 32g of protiens ( vs 38g in 8oz steak ) and 1g of sugar !!!!! could it even be better than this?

its been amazing cooking day .. im really thinking about getting a degree in cooking .. maybe join culinary school part time since i really enjoy cooking .. and then i wouldnt have to eat a lot. because the more i cook here, the more i eat and i dont want that .. but if i was in class, ill prolly have the option not to eat the food i cooked lol

anyway, ive also made a tumblr ( you can shoot me now ) for my food pictures .. i know alot of people been complaining about how my life revolves around food and its been getting on my nerves so i decided to make a tumblr and just post my food adventures there .. ill try to post recipes there too so i can use this as a online source for my recipes

healthomania.tumblr.com

working out

so this is the 3rd month of this year and i think ive made a great improvement when it comes to working out. i remember starting with building a habit and i think the habit has been built already :) .. i wake up around 5:30-6 everyday with no complains or 3asra .. i have no issues getting off bed knowing that im doing that to workout, even if its legs day which i hate .. its amazing wallah .. it feels like ive tamed myself lol .. i remember having hard time waking up for class or work but with workingout, its waay easier and less painful .. even if its cold .. even if its dark .. even if i feel like i havent had enough sleep .. id still get up and workout and yawn like 75% during the workout lol but im loving it .. i love my commitment .. im not 100% enjoying it lol .. and I'm not really getting impressive results but i think making working out as part of my daily activities is a success in a way .. and results SHOULD COME .. i mean it makes sense right .. whether i workout for 1 month, 1 yr or even 10yrs, results SHOULD come one day coz its only logical

getting old ..

i feel so old .. i know i AM getting older in a couple of days but thats not what i meant .. my body is starting to fail me.. first my knees which i screwed by doing daily 100 jumping ropes and climbing stairs when i weighted 85kg .. i remember the day i busted em .. i couldnt bend them .. i think i was actually playing dance dance revolution when i heard em crack the first time .. now my back is killing me .. it used to be bad but then it went away and now my back pain is back with vengeance .. so ive been doing some physiotherapy for my knees and my physiotherapist told me that my knees pain is caused by WEAK MUSCLES in my thighs esp inner thighs .. which you could totally tell if you look at my thighs lol ( TIME TO DO MORE SQUATS :( ) .. anyway .. so i went to see my PT and i told her that my back is killing me so she took a look at it and guess what? my back is caused by my HYPERFLEXIBILITY .. lol . ive been told that my joints are hyper flexible but seriously? my back too ? so it seems that my spinal vertebrae are so flexible that they can bend all the way instead of remaining stable in their place so my lower back ends up taking all the pressure .. im not even sure i explained it well here lol but yeah anyway, im hyper flexible ..

you know what that means? yeah yeah life long back pain .. but also .. i could do the things ive always wnated to do .. i could bend like there is no tomorrow :D

maybe i should ask my physiotherapist first lol .. what if i bend too much and crack my back even more? dude im already a walking 3aha, i dont think i can afford more disabilities .. i am already half deaf, wearing glasses, memory brain cells are fried, knees issue and now back pain .. no more :S

al7madallah 3ala kel 7al :)