goodbyes

The last night in my bed,
my last lunch with my family,
how i get to decide the family's dinner on the last night,
my last goodbyes to family and friends.
ive probably done that about 5 times in the past 2 years and its still painful like hell. it has not got any easier .. im starting to doubt that it will ever get easier ..
home sickness while away n home sickness while here .. and the worst during my travel back.

once again, Goodbye
and until we meet again, be well

so much in so little time

I left to Canada on April 2012.
During my first year abroad, I lost an aunt to pancreatic cancer. She passed away 6 months after being diagnosed with cancer. She didnt have alot of time and I was not home early enough to say Goodbye..

During my second year abroad, a friend of mine was found dead.. she was found outside an old building, all alone .. she was 2 months away from graduation and finally returning back home after 4 years of studying abroad.. She waited too long to come back home .. Her family didnt get to attend her graduation and finally brag about her being a doctor and she never made it to her welcome home party .. She died too soon..
a special person of mine made a dramatic decision and she chose a different life path and now i am teaching my self how to live without them. they basically dont exist anymore.
also, my grandmother had 2 strokes in a row and now she is withering slowly ..

Today, I found out that my mum's best friend who;s like a mother to us has been diagnosed with cancer. I don't know the details yet but I can't deny that this has hit me hard ..

its so sad that you never appreciate what you have until you lose it .. suddenly i feel like i want to spend every single day with her .. its so sad that i found out 48 hrs before my flight back to Canada. 

it has been 2 years since i left yet so many things have happened already .. too many losses in too little time.

it makes you wonder ..
is there anything you can do to stop death from happening ? or make it less painful ?
ive been living with expectations of death everyday hoping it would make it less painful when it finally happens .. but i was wrong .. its still shocking .. and its still too damn painful.. and it doesnt make it any easier ..

We should cherish those little things.. our random interaction .. the chance to say hello to our loved ones . because we can suddenly lose that and we will be left with nothing but regrets for taking it for granted ..

when these things happen, then you realize what truly matters and what doesnt .. and then you'll see how you wasted your life away chasing meaningless in life while keeping those who meant the most to us on hold only to find out that they were gone long time ago while we were chasing what turned out to be trivial at the end.

This could be our last conversation .. My last post and My Final Goodbye.