judgemental

funny how you can never please everyone ..

when i was in kuwait, when i was a kid , our parents and the society has implanted a set of beliefs in us .. beliefs and principles like respecting the elderly, submitting to the parents orders , and that its wrong to have a boyfriend , that you can never question your islam or god , that women who smoke are bad women, that people will look down on me if i jogged or cycled in public .. so many ideas were inserted in our brains .. i remember asking dad about things that didnt make sense to me in quraan or in islam and he would be telling me that god made our thinking so limited thus these things will never make sense and we have to obey them , i remember times when i discovered that some friends of mine who are good people and very respectful, were smokers and i was so confused .. how could that girl be a good girl when we were taught that a girl who smokes is a bad one .. ahhh .. so many stories to be told here about how confused i was when things like these happened ..
but somehow, i managed to grew out of these beliefs .. i learned how to make my own judgements .. it wasnt easy at the beginning and i had to force my mind open to accept all these differences ... it took me years to have the open mind that i have today and guess what? its not open enough yet but definitely, im less judgmental and more accepting for others now. i knew that this is the right thing to do. i knew that no one has the right to judge others . i knew that whats right and wrong is 100% subjective thus no one can force their opinion on others and i embraced that fact.

then i came here to canada where everyone has the right to be what they want to be. people dont gossip or stare here .. you are entitled to do whatever you want, to dress the way you want or speak out loud your opinion in the middle of dundas square. the freedom here is unlimited. i was shocked when i discovered that the reality is different. people may not voice OUT their opinion but they do judge here .. because this place is so multi cultural, people are categorized and are JUDGED . thats why you would see them all grouped up .. indians would hang out with indians, asians will be having their own neighborhood and their own social group, arabs are clustered together.
not only that.. because of all the differences, people tend to sometimes to question you.. question your religion, your belief  and values and even question your choice of clothes ..

its funny how ive been questioned so many times .. and what kills me is, ive been questioned by people with similar background ! they have questioned my religion.. questioned my beliefs.. not only questioned but tried to force their opinion on me ..
i understand that you feel lthat living in canada is so liberating now that you dont have to '' follow '' what the society made you follow back home and you know what? IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. but just because you reached to a conclusion that our religion or even traditions are so wrong, limiting and unfair, it doesnt mean that you should try to '' free '' others .
you may want to share '' the truth '' with me .. fair enough .. but dont force it on me .. dont tell me that what im doing is wrong and that im brain washed .. if you are trying to help me, i appreciate it. just tell me the facts and let me make my own decision ..
ahhh it really pisses me off !!! having to learn to keep an open mind and then coming to a country where i presumed that everyone is open minded but then bang, you end up realizing that the people here are not as accepting as you thought and that you are the only open minded person around here ..

growing up

i wonder why does growing up has to be painful and hard ? its funny how we always wanted to grow up when we were kids and i dont recall it ever to be that painful ? but it seems now that we are older, you gotta go through some hardship and pain to grow up, to be wiser and more mature .. does that make that kind of pain a good pain? i mean, i do know what good pain feels like.. its the pain i get when i work out.. its hard and painful but if you see me doing a hard workout, you will see me smiling and giggling like an idiot !!! i do really smile and giggle when im doing a challenging workout, i enjoy it and i can sense results while doing it .. but then, why does growing up pain upset me ? it does .. even when i know that this is going to do me good later on .. it does get me, it does make me feel low and bad .. even when i know its for the best .. i wonder if its because i think there are other ways to do that other than this painful way? when i workout, i know that there is no way that you would get better fitness unless you are physically challenged so i take it with open arms but with other life issues, it seems that it upsets me even when i know that eventually it will do me good, because i think there are other ways to gain that goodness other than this painful way .. maybe..

since i came from kuwait, a month ago, and ive been in this constant anxious stressed out state .. i have an exam in june that i havent prepared for, i have to move out of my apartment by the end of the month and im struggling to find one, im home sick , ive started a stressful rotation, i was offered to put on medications once again .. ive been extremely stressed out because i had so many things to deal with all of a sudden ..

1. exam: my exam is on june 12th and it includes all the lectures that we had ( total of 50 ) that i havent read before . since my memory been failing me .. ive been struggling to finish one lecture a day and thats making me really anxious. on the other hand, this exam is NOT graded. its one of those evaluation exams and basically you cant fail it . if you fail it, you will be having a meeting with the program director and thats it . i dont know why im stressing out on that exam .. sigh ...

2. apartment hunt: yes i am to be blamed for making it such a stressful experience. ive been extremely picky and that wasnt helpful .. ive been looking for an apartment in the same area im in right now .. you can see the attached map. i live where the middle cursor is ( bay and grosvenor st ) , my work is where the lower cursor is .. usually it takes 8-12min to walk to work, you can see around my work i got 2 subway stations; college and queen's park and i got alot of things around me actually including my bank, dentist, dr, friends and its located centrally in downtown . im moving out to charles and yonge st and its the cursor on top.. it will take me about 25-35 min to walk to work now which can be a problem if it was snowing or raining .. charles is near the fancy places in downtown ( blood st ) but also its near jarvis street ( where all the homeless and drug dealers live ) , i do have a subway station near me and that is bloor but i hate it coz its a major sub way station and its EXTREMELY busy and alot of pick pocketing happens there ..
so it took me forever to make up my mind .. i wanted to stick to my building but i couldnt find an apartment there and i was okay with any other buildings within this area but the problem is, there are alot of high towers here and its hard to find an apartment with unobstructed view here .. why do i need an obstructed view ? 1. for privacy reasons, i dont want to have to wear hijab all the time. 2. because i need sunlights in my place .. you may think im being really dalo3a but im telling you, these things are ESSENTIAL !! so anyway, i couldnt find such an apartment here and i had to go to charles because its one those new fancy high building and the view is BREATH TAKING !! ( ill show you pictures once i move in ) .. but i hate how sketchy my neighbor is .. i got a shelter and a strip club next door and ITS REALLY EXPENSIVE !! the rent is really high .. so i had to say yes, because i need to leave this place in 2 weeks and i havent found anything else.
it will be a new experience .. alot of people that im going to encounter in my building should be rich fancy ones , dealing with the homeless outside my building should be a learning experience , getting to know my way through bloor and yorkville will be great in a way i guess .. and now that more than half of my salary is spent on the rent, that will teach me how to watch my spending and not take things for granted lol .. but it stresses me out the fact that i know ill be moving out again next year.. and it wont be as easy as this one since the apartment im in is already furnished so i dont have to carry alot of things with me when i move out but next year moving out should be even more stressful since i;ll be carrying all the furniture with me :(

i cant wait till june the 13th .. ill be done with my exam and done with the moving in process and maybe ill be at peace once again ...